A Day In The Life...

And baby makes four!

2008-01-03T07:04:00.000-08:00

We received one of the best Christmas gifts imaginable this year! We found out that we're expecting Baby #2 sometime late this summer! I was very excited to get to announce the news to both Patrick and my Mom a few days before Christmas, but only because my mother wanted me to partake in "Christmas Cheer" (Egg Nog and Southern Comfort) which I couldn't do! I wanted to surprise them with a present for Brady under the tree but I couldn't get away with 4 days of no alcohol with my Mother in town!

I seem to already be sporting a belly, much to my dismay, but that just comes with the territory! I am going to be humungously fat and swolen in the DEEP SOUTH in the SUMMER for my last few months, but it will all be worth it once he or she is here.

I can't wait to see how this all plays out. It should be quite the blessing and challenge!

Bourbon Street

2007-12-23T18:54:00.000-08:00

My mom finally made it here for Christmas on Wednesday. We picked her up from the airport with Brady in tow and he ran right up to her as if he had seen her every day for the last 13 months of his life. We had an eventful few days, complete with our own "Mini-Katrina" as she called it, which left me up to mid-thigh in water trying to cross the street to get to my car, which was also under water. This after spending three and a half hours at the Health Dept (yuck!) signing us up for WIC and watching pretty much no one do their jobs, but I digress.

We are currently playing tourists in New Orleans and spent the day walking up and down Bourbon Street and around The French Quarter. Of course, the touristy part of New Orleans has reopened, but driving into town was severely depressing. I could see run down, dilapidated houses with the Emergency Services "X" still on the outside, identifying whether or not there were any bodies found in the home after the floods. It's amazing to me how people can bypass this tragedy on the way into town and then walk the streets as if nothing ever happened.

Mom and Patrick are currently out bar hopping and I'm playing the responsible mother who stays with her kid as he sleeps. I am curiously wondering what kind of trouble those two could stir up down there, especially after spending an hour in a bar with my Mom this afternoon and watching her get picked up by a random guy in a Santa hat who wanted to "show her the town"...uh, I think NOT. I begged Patrick not to end up in jail tonight and to keep a watchful eye on my Mother.

Speaking of my Mother, it was quite hysterical to watch Ms. Republican Conservative herself walk all up and down Bourbon Street exclaiming "This is SO cool," and then looking around to see everything from Frozen Daiquiri bars, to tourist shops, to Larry Flint's Huslter Club and Larry Flint's Barely Legal. I about had a heart attack when we passed the first "strip club" which had nude photos of women on the outside, but the real kicker was the place that actually posted pictures of LIVE sexual acts that had taken place in their club. I begged Patrick to put a blanket over Brady in the stroller while we passed such places, but I guess that's the reason New Orleans doesn't dote itself as a family vacation place.

We head home tomorrow and I have to finish my wrapping and get ready for a fantastic Christmas morning! I can't wait!

Life as it is...

2007-12-16T19:19:00.000-08:00

I can't help but cheese from ear to ear when I look at this picture. I think it's impossible not to look at this face and think to myself "Life as it is, is totally perfect". I couldn't ask for anything more and I honestly cannont remember what my life was like before I got to look at that fantastically beautiful face every day.

Life as I know it has become completely colorful with this walking, talking little man in the house. Suddenly, after he mastered the art of walking, his vocabulary burst wide open. He can tell you he's "done", he can point and tell you when there's a "tuck" driving by, he loves to show you "flowflows" (flowers), he can't wait to eat "din-din", he can even say "puh-puh" (please) when you ask him to. Beyond that he can tell you what a dog, cow, birdie & duck say -- and he loves to walk around trying to find "DAD!". He can show you where "up" is and can turn lights "off" too. He is just a smart smart kid.

He is keeping me on my toes at every turn, too, constantly getting into something -- everything, that is. He wants to help cook dinner, loves brushing his teeth and will almost always be in the kitchen pulling out his tupperware. He also loves pushing the buttons on the TV, which he's being scolded for at every turn! Just last weekend, he picked up the telephone, put it backwards to his ear (number pad in his palm) and started talking jibberish to no one on the other end. I wondered if this was a good thing, considering his Mother loves to talk so much!

I consider myself to be the luckiest person alive to be his mom. I never want to be without him, I can't wait to walk in his room in the mornings and see him smile and say "HI!" to me. I am not one of those Moms who constantly needs "a break" from her kid because this kid is my LIFE. And life is better because he loves me.

I am just so blessed to have such a fantastic family to be with every day of my life. Life as it is, is perfect.

Lawn Chairs and Wine

2007-12-04T10:37:00.000-08:00

Well, we have officially made it to the south. The deep south. Or is it the dirrty south? I'm not quite sure. Mobile, AL is now "home" for the next couple of years, and after the nightmare of a PCS we just went through, we had better be here for the entire time we're scheduled.

We are currently sitting in the new house sans any furniture or belongings. Well, that is unless you count the lawn chairs provided to us by our fantastic new neighbor so that we no longer have to sit on the floor. Our household goods (HHG) will arrive tomorrow after being kept hostage by the military for over a week since we ordered them delivered. I guess "hostage" is a little rough, but I don't know what else to call it when your belongings are in the same city as you are, being kept in a warehouse and you can't get them until SOMEONE else can bring them to you -- leaving you to sleep on a borrowed airmattress, and eat nothing but microwaveable dinners. Lesson #1 - Always do a door to door move so your stuff doesn't have to go into storage. AKA: Don't get orders and have to move less than 4 weeks later, preventing you from househunting before reporting.

The car will SUPPOSEDLY be delivered today, but I am not holding my breath. The company has jerked us around and lied to us for over 2 weeks, and because of those lies our $200 tiny Christmas budget was spent on a brand spankin new uniform so that Patrick could report to work today. (His uniforms are in the car that was to be delivered LAST week.) Lesson #2 - Always bring uniforms in vehicle you drive in. AKA: Don't ever use Dash Auto Movers Network to ship your car.

Mobile is actually a pretty decent place. The people are friendly, everything you need is here, and the weather is actually tolerable right now. We have had 2 thunderstorms since arriving and I knew that was my sign from God that this will be a good place for the next few years. Once our house is in order and I can get back into a routine, Brady and I will be joining playgroups and whatnot.

But for now, I enjoy the echoing of an empty house from my borrowed lawn chairs, and drink my wine from the glasses left behind by the previous tenants. I guess sometimes we have to find the silver lining in the little things, don't we?

Invoice, Please!

2007-10-11T14:48:00.000-07:00

Almost two years ago now my handyman Uncle Ray decided to help my Mom by redoing her kitchen for her. She refinanced her mortgage and put the new kitchen in to add value to her home. My uncle is fantastic with his hands and enjoys woodwork, capentry and remodeling. He was a full time Detective Sargent at the time and told my Mom that he would not charge her for the labor, that she just had to buy all the materials. He worked at his own pace and did an OUTSTANDING job. I was so excited for my Mom because this was something she had always wanted to do, but my Dad was the anti-Handyman. So, with Uncle Ray's help she got the kitchen she wanted, and we couldn't have been more thankful.

Recently, my sister moved back home to finish out her last year of school. She brought her cat along with her, who Cody mostly wanted to chase. So Mom decided to put new doors on the bedrooms to ensure that Cody couldn't get in and Bella couldn't get out when no one was home. She asked Uncle Ray for his help putting the new doors up, and he agreed. He apparently took a couple days to do it, but the end result was a safer cat and a less full dog.

Suddenly, yesterday, my Aunt Laurie drops an envelope on Mom's desk at work. Inside it was an invoice for Uncle Ray's costs for hanging the doors. On it was the price of the doors, which was expected, along with his own LABOR COSTS for hanging them. He took the time to point out to her that he graciously discounted his cost and said he would have charged "someone else" a higher price. Just so that you are clear, reader, the man never charged her for all the labor he did on the kitchen and he also never ONCE discussed LABOR COSTS prior to him hanging the doors. This was all out of the blue. So, not only did this cost my Mom twice the amount of money, but she was never given the opportunity to get other price quotes from other "handymen" prior to having the work done. Doesn't seem fair, does it?

My Mom is an educated consumer. She shops around to find a good deal and doesn't just throw money around that she doesn't have. The woman is a WIDOW who works three jobs to make ends meet. My Aunt and Uncle take expensive vacations 2 -3 times per year, and have never had to know the pain of not knowing whether you'll make ends meet. My Mom doesn't GET luxurious trips, great clothes or expensive household items. She busts ass to make her mortgage payment to keep her roof over her head. Also, my Mom has provided YEARS of free services to their animals - clipping nails, expressing glands, training advice - and never once did it cross her mind to send them an invoice for her time because you don't do that to family.

I am so angry about this whole situation that I could spit. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my family is the MOST important thing to me. Mom said she is going to pay it and just move on, but I have half a mind to call him up and ask him where the hell he gets off. Honestly, I am not saying that his time isn't worth money, because I know it is. My problem is with the fact that my Mom was never given the courtesy that a normal consumer would have been given, and therefore was treated with disrespect by her own family member. She doesn't want to talk about it but I know that she's hurt that he would treat her this way and her own sister would be in on it. If there were going to be charges for labor, they should have been discussed beforehand.

I just don't understand how the hell people can be so insensitive. It's not about the money, it's about treating your family with more respect than you would "Joe Schmoe". This is the final straw for me and in the future I'll be sure to keep my distance so that I don't tell him exactly where to get off.

Now, I wonder if he'll start charging Grammy for all the things she has him do for her...

The Brave Face

2007-10-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

I recently wrote about how our life is up in the air because Patrick disenrolled from his class last week, and how we're just waiting to find out what the deal is with the Coast Guard about where we are going to go and when. Last week I was okay about the whole situation, really I was, but I am ready to admit that I am currently freaking out.

I consider myself to be a a level headed, fair minded person, especially when it comes to my family. I don't like change, per say, but when we have to make decisions I always let my heart guide me and support whatever it is Patrick wants to do. I have put on my brave face for the past week and supported him in this decision because HE really felt like it was the right one. Today, I am on the verge of tears and have bit off all my nails as I try to wait patiently to learn our "fate".

The fact of the matter is that I don't want to move right now. The thought of having to get ready for another move makes me sick to my stomach. I mean, we honestly JUST got here. We've not even been here 7 months yet and I'm already preparing to have to do it again. I don't want to have to pack and unpack again. I don't want to live out of a suitcase for days or weeks on end. I don't want to disrupt the life or schedule I have for Brady. I don't want to have to miss his birthday party or Christmas with my Mom because we might have to move. I just want things to be status quo for a while.

This is my moment of selfishness and I think I deserve it. I would never tell Patrick how scared I am because I KNOW how hard this was for him. I just have to sit here on pins and needles waiting for the phone to ring and hope that good news is on the other end.

::Running to put brave face back on::

Misinformation

2007-10-04T16:00:00.000-07:00

So, today I am feeling like a total idiot of a mother. I know I am not stupid because I have done a really good job with him, but for those things that I don't know I have relied on asking my pediatricians for direction.

At Brady's 9 month appoinment (late in August), his doctor told me that by the time he was 12 months and came back that he needed to be off the bottle and eating mostly table food. At 12 months he can have regular cow's milk instead. She said to drop his bottles one at a time over the next few months. So, I did just that a couple weeks ago, dropping his late afternoon bottle and decreasing the amount of formula he takes in by about 7 oz (big number).

I didn't realize it, but around that same time, Brady's napping got all out of whack. He went from talking himself to sleep to screaming. I haven't been able to figure out why until another mother pointed out to me that he is likely not getting enough formula (nutrition) and is hungry and pissed off. The stupid idiot that I am just thought the doc meant get rid of the formula AND the bottle, but apparently I must be a mindreader because she never said aloud that I needed to still feed him that forumla, just switch it to a cup.

My blog today isn't about how stupid I feel (although, I truly do), it is about how I have yet to find a decent doctor out here in California. EVERYONE is so rushed and overwhelmed that the Well Baby Checkup is over before it starts. I can't get a doctor to return my calls. I can't get a doctor to answer my questions. And I guess I can't rely on the information they give me unless I force them to stay in the room and explain it the way it's meant to be taken. Doesn't anyone care anymore? Dr. Stacy in Virginia was the only doctor who took any time to care about our child - and us. Why can't everyone be like her?

This country is so fouled up with it's healthcare that it's unreal.

State of Limbo

2007-10-03T14:43:00.000-07:00

Just when I think that I am settled and accepting life the way it is, some kind of wrench is thrown at me and I'm forced to change my view of the future. Mother Teresa once said "I know God only gives us as much as we can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much."

Patrick told me on Monday that he was certain that he couldn't go on in this class anymore. Things had become overwhelming for him and he felt as though if he were sent to a boat on his own that he was totally unprepared. The pace of this class was so fast and he was not getting enough time to retain and practice the information given before he had to move on to something else. He told me honestly, "I am just not ready for this".

He has been told by several of the Chiefs at the school that he IS meant for this job, but he needs more experience in the field before he can complete this course. He is the youngest in the class, has been in the military the least amount of time, and only had 2 years experience as a Corpsman prior to starting this class. The Navy guys all have been Corpsmen for at least 5 years and in the military for 8 or more. They even told him at the beginning that this was going to be especially tough on him since he lacked the experience of the others. He has done well on all his exams but the school fails to let you practice one thing before you move on to another, and he is very much a hands on learner.

I applaud my husband's courage to take this step and handle the consequences from the Coast Guard, if there should be any. He knows he isn't ready and doesn't want to jeopardize his future shipmates or the ship in general. He wants to be totally confident in his job ability before taking the step to be the only medical person in charge of 100+ people. God knows that he is good at what he does, but he just needs more experience at this time.

So, now our life is in limbo while we wait to see where the Coast Guard will send us. He will stay here in San Diego for the time being and work at the Sector until the Detailer can put him someplace else. I'm not sure what I'm hoping for, but I want him to be in a place where he can continue to hone his skills and prepare him for the future. Brady and I will have to deal with the rest.

Sometimes life changes daily, but we have to roll with the punches to keep up with the flow. :)

The Exception

2007-09-15T15:15:00.000-07:00

We have embarked on a new phase of parenthood recently. Brady, who is 10 months on Monday, has been mobile for 2.5 months and just last week he took his first steps. He is getting more ambitious with every day. He sees something and he tries to walk to it, usually only a step or two, but he is learning very quickly that he must step OUT as opposed to forward in order to keep his balance. The kid will be off and running in a matter of weeks and I will have even less rest than I do now, not that I mind.

Along with the ability to move comes curiosity and getting into everything. We have started to "discipline" Brady even though he doesn't really have the capacity to retain what we've told him. We figure that it's better to keep ourselves in line with what the rules are so that as he ages he can learn easily and we don't have to struggle to break bad habits. None of our rules are harsh, we just don't want him standing up in the tub, pulling on the blinds or banging on glass with toys. Typical boundaries, we think.

From reading endless "Mommy Message Boards", I have learned that Patrick and I are the exception in our parenting style which I think will prove difficult especially in later years. Unlike other babies his age, Brady doesn't have a "favorite show" to base his first birthday party theme on because we never have the TV on for him. Sure, we'll watch the news or keep an eye on the game, but we don't sit Brady in front of the TV to mesmerize him because we feel it's OUR job to teach him. He is perfectly content playing with his own toys or getting into the plastic bowls in the kitchen. He would much rather be outside watching the planes fly by than sitting in front of a TV show for entertainment. The "rule" seems to be that most parents let their 10 month olds sit in front of the TV for hours on end while they do other "important" things...although I'm not sure what could be more important than interacting with and teaching your child.

I am SURE that Brady will be interested in TV shows in a few years, and I am SURE that Patrick and I will have restrictions on the amount of time he watches them. I don't mean to profess that Brady will never watch TV, we just don't think that there's anything he could learn from "The Backyardigans" (what?) or Barney that we couldn't teach him better at this age.

I have a feeling that Brady will one day want to know why he isn't allowed to eat McDonald's four times a week, or play video games all day, but I hope that with our being involved in his life he will never feel like he is being "left out" of anything. My child is my most important job and I feel if that makes me the exception, than that's okay by me.

Home is...

2007-09-06T15:31:00.000-07:00

Early on in my 'career' of being a military spouse, I learned a few key phrases that I need to live by in order to make it through realizing that my life is not of my control. Along with "Semper Gumby - Always Flexible" the rule of thumb is that "Home is where the Coast Guard sends you." Fortunately, I have had the blessing of being with my husband a lot of the time, and we have been to some pretty cool places, but I also learned that life is what you make of it, and I refuse to be held down because of misery.

We submitted our list of "picks" back in July for our next station. The choices were limited to 4 for the four Coasties currently in training for Independent Duty Corpsman with the Navy. The list of choices was not even CLOSE to what we were hoping for, but we sucked it up, put our ranking together and sent it off with fingers crossed and prayers sent up. Guam and Alaska were two of the choices and completely not ideal, but we did our research just in case we were sent to one of these places.

We learned late yesterday that it is looking more and more like we are headed to Key West, FL, which was our number one choice. Our friends, Jess and Joe, found out that they are 'slated' to be sent to Alaska, which was last on their list. Jess is taking this news very hard and is extremely upset at the prospect of having to live there, especially because there is 6 months of pure daylight 24 hours, and 6 months of pure darkness. I can't say I'd be happy at the thought of that either.

I keep trying to tell Jess that this isn't the end of the world, but she honestly believes it is. I tell her that her main priority is making a healthy, stable and happy life for Lexi wherever they are sent, but right now I can't get her to see that. I know the news is devastating to her, but I'm not sure how to get her past all of the negative things she's feeling without her thinking I'm not being sincere.

I can't say I'm sad that it wasn't us that got Alaska. Honestly, I had even resigned myself to thinking we were actually going there, so I armed myself with information and knowledge so I could make the time there enjoyable. I hope that Jess can get over this news quickly and find the good in all of it. The silver lining in her cloud is that this particular boat Joe would be at doesn't go out as much as the one in Key West does, so they can be a family more.

Life honestly and truly is what you make of it. If you succumb to misery, your life, and everyone in it, will be miserable. I refuse to let that happen to my family. Semper Gumby!!

Time just seems to fly...

2007-08-18T08:16:00.000-07:00

We are in our final hours of our trip to Detroit and it never ceases to amaze me how unbelievably sad I get when a visit is coming to a close. Spending all this time with my family has made me calmer, more together and relaxed. I am dreading heading back to California where there is no Mom or Sarah or Doug or Tanya to keep me laughing and decompressed. I am extremely excited to see Patrick, but my days will again be lonely when he's at school and it's just Brady to keep me entertained.

I tried desperately hard to see everyone I could while I was here, but time didn't allow for everyone. I got a text message from Lynn yesterday that said "If I were in Cali I would be trying to see you. The last few times you were in MI my feelings have been hurt." The funny thing is that I let her know in May that I was coming, I texted her before I left AND while I was here to tell her I was around, but it remains MY fault in her eyes that we didn't see each other. I am the person who has to see about 8 million people during my visits (the number has increased significantly since Brady is now in the picture) but it's one ME to ensure I see her when she could have just as easily called me to get together. I am not shifting the blame onto her, but honestly, I did my part and she did nothing.

I guess next time I will need a longer visit to fulfill my obligations and try to relax a bit.

Yucky, Eewy, Digustin

2007-07-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

I guess I have already started using childlike phrases for my child who isn't even 8 months yet. If he reaches for the dirty diaper during a change I'll tell him, "No, Brady, that's YUCKY." Or, if he burps or farts on me I'll exclaim "That's DIGUSTIN" (my Mommy word). I think it's fun and he always seems to get a kick out of the way I say things rather than the words themselves.

Somehow or another, we got some "yuckiness" into our house recently. Fleas. Yes, fleas. Tell me how that's even possible when we don't have an animal living with us. Even when Cody lived with us he never had them and I was never covered from head to toe with bites and scars from scratching. I am MISERABLE. I am highly allergic to their bites and have done nothing but scratch myself raw for weeks now, and have been forced into wearing jeans to cover the ugliness that is now my legs. I had the "bug man" come out over a week ago to spray and the biting let up for a few days, but it seems as if new eggs quickly hatched and they were back to feasting on my flesh. I am pretty sure they're coming from my neighbor's house into my house somehow because she has them running rampant in her house and hasn't done anything about them. YUCK.

On a side note unrelated to yuckiness, I am gearing up for our trip to Detroit in a few weeks. I have been searching the internet relentlessly to find tips on flying with an infant. I went ahead and spent an extra $300 to get Brady his own seat since the flight is 4.5 hours long and I'll be with him alone. I am hoping this was a good decision! I know that I will have to be totally "un-Leah" during the flying days and just be patient and relaxed. I am bound to misplace something, Brady is bound to cry, I am bound to need a whole bottle of wine upon landing in Detroit and back in LA.

I am looking very forward to being with my family for so long and having playdates with Noelle and Jaycie. I am also looking very forward to having a bit of help! Things have been really good here for the last couple of months but I am going to enjoy giving him to Grammy and enjoying a night or two out with "the girls".

Shaq's Big Challenge

2007-06-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

I am not usually one for reality TV shows - especially the crappy ones about dating or other nonsense - but last night I got sucked right into "Shaq's Big Challenge" when we were flipping through the channels before bed. I hadn't seen many commercials about it and really had a feeling it would mostly be about Shaq (who I am not a big fan of), but I was really wrong.

This was almost horrifying to watch. The kids on this show were not just overweight, they were classified as Morbidly Obese by weight standards. Every single one of these pre-teens and teens weighed more than I do - and I'm a grown woman who is nearly 6 feet tall. None of them could do sit ups and push ups, and they all failed the Presidential Fitness Test they were given.

The saddest part of the whole thing was that it seemed as if their parents were totally clueless as to the condition of their child or how they got there. One mother even said "I feel like I am partially to blame for this". No, seriously?? You must be kidding. You are not partially to blame, lady, you are fully to blame. Your 13 year old daughter doesn't have the money, the car, or the skills to get her own groceries -- she depends on you to do that. So, how is it that you're only PARTIALLY to blame? You bring the junk into the house, you fill her up on fast food and pizza on a daily basis because you're too "tired" or "overworked" to get a decent, healthy meal on the table. You let her sit on her butt after school and don't encourage her to exercise. This isn't just partially your fault, honey, it's all your fault.

I understand that some children have a predisposition to being heavier because of their genes, and I understand that today's society doesn't allow our kids to be able to play outside all day and only come home for meals, but that doesn't mean that there isn't anything we can do as parents. The thought of letting Brady out of my sight for hours on end and chance it that a serial killer/child molester/pervert would get a hold of him scares me to death - but I won't let him stay inside his whole life. He'll be enrolled in sports, we'll go to the park, we'll kick the soccer ball around the yard. He will NOT be sentenced to a life at home playing video games because I'm too scared of what will happen to him.

Speaking of the video games, the boy named Walter on the show was the perfect poster child for what's wrong with this country. The kid spends 5 hours PER DAY playing video games, in a recliner, 3 feet from his TV. He is socially stunted for a 15 year old and had the maturity level and social skills of a 7 year old. I had always known I didn't want to have video consoles be a babysitter for my kid - and now I'm seriously considering throwing whatever XBOX thing Patrick has out in the trash (he hasn't played it in almost a year anyway!). I will be like my cousin, Todd, and his wife and just plain not allow my kids to play video or computer games.

Before last night I really had an aversion to Shaq because I feel like he gets away with a lot of crap in the NBA due to his size, but I have a newfound respect for him for wanting to take this on. Childhood obesity is not just a problem, it's an epidemic in this country. I really believe that there is no more personal responsibility left in the world and parents feel like they can just do the minimal when it comes to their children, and when there's an issue, it's everyone else's fault.

I refuse to let that happen to my child - and I wish more people cared like Shaq to help stop this form of child abuse.

Teething Bites

2007-06-04T15:37:00.000-07:00

I once saw a bib in Babies R Us that read that very statement.

I was pleasantly plump and pregnant at the time, took one glance, laughed, and walked away. I never knew that the silly statement on that bib would become the title of my life as it currently stands.

Brady is now cutting his 6th tooth, which is also known as tooth number 4 in three weeks. He does not seem to be handling these teeth as well as the others and his usual laughter and babbling has been replaced with incessant whining and humming. According to my mother, who has been through this three times, the humming vibration helps his gums. This is quite possibly the only thing that helps him right now because Tylenol, teething tablets, cold washcloths, frozen toys, and Orajel don't seem to be doing a damn thing.

He is currently refusing to nap, most likely because the pain in his gums keeps him from peaceful sleep during the day. I should be careful not to complain, because he does still sleep his regular 12 hours at night, so at least we have been good there. For the last 10 days, he has taken nothing but 30 - 40 minute naps, which means when he goes down I must rush to shower and dress before he wakes up -- or stuff my lunch in my mouth and throw a load of laundry in before he wants out of his crib.

I am beginning to think that I am being punished for something I did as a teenager. It would make perfect sense - payback for the crap I did to my parents is having a 6 month old teethe constantly for a month straight, right. What I can't figure out yet is whether or not this is payback for one certain thing I did, or my teen years as a whole. I'm hoping it's cumulative payback because if it's for only one thing, I hate to see what my other paybacks are going to be.

In some better news, Patrick finally made 2nd Class Petty Officer on Friday and I was there to pin his "crows" on. The best part of that whole thing is MO' MONEY! :) Also, my very own pat on the back is that I am now back in my size 6 jeans and I am SUPER happy. It only took 6 months...sheesh.

Homesick

2007-05-09T13:00:00.000-07:00

Over the last six and a half years I have had a few bouts of homesickness after visits from relatives or trips back to Detroit. They always lasted a day or two, but I quickly got back into my routine and my own life and the feelings subsided. I have always missed our friends and family, but it was easy to enjoy new places and friends because the phone kept me in step with everyone back in Michigan. I know that living away from everyone will always bring on some sort of feeling like we are missing out, but I haven't ever felt the gut wrenching, heartbreaking homesickness I've been having the last few days.

I should have known that when Sarah came to visit it was going to turn out like this. Having her here with me for over a week was so fantastic and we had such a great time. I knew that as the week was drawing to a close I would have a hard time saying good bye, but I never imagined that I would feel so empty after she left. I watched her cry as she kissed Brady before we left and I felt like the cruelest person for keeping him from her by living so far away. For the first time since we left almost seven years ago the guilt became so crushing that I had to fight back my tears because I knew I would lose it.

I told Mom that I have never felt so awful in all my life, and that I had always missed them, but having Brady made it much harder to deal with. I feel like he is missing out on so much. I feel like WE are missing out on so much. Everyday he hangs out with me, he sees me, he loves me...but if we were closer to home he would be able to see his Grandmothers, Aunts, Uncle and cousins on a consistent basis. He would be able to get to know them and do special things with them. What I wouldn't give for a Sunday dinner with the family.

I honestly don't know how long this feeling is going to last, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be here for a while. I came home from the airport and told Patrick that we were moving back to Detroit. He could become a firefighter and I could stay home with the kids, and we could be happy with our family around. I told him that I just couldn't take this anymore and I wanted to go home. Of course, he knew I was blowing off steam, but the majority of my heart knows that I was serious.

Everyday is supposed to be easier, and yet it's not. I hope this bout of homesickness subsides quickly.

The SAHM

2007-04-24T20:12:00.000-07:00

Years ago the thought of giving up my career to stay at home with my kids made me chuckle. I couldn't possibly sacrifice my paycheck and nice lifestyle to be covered in spit up and pureed carrots on a daily basis, could I? Even though I fell into Insurance on a whim, I was still proud of all I had accomplished in my short time in the industry, and thought for sure that I would be the kind of mother who needed to work outside the home to feel like I was contributing to my family's future. Society's view of a stay at home mom is a bleak one, anyway. Add in the preconceived notions of a military spouse and, BAM, you have a recipe for people to instantly turn down their noses at you.

I did return to work for a short time after Brady was born. He was about 7 weeks old and I went back to help my department transition because we were moving away and a new agent would be taking my spot. The morning Brady left with Patrick to go to the sitter's house, I cried my eyes out. It was the first time I had been away from him and my heart broke into a million pieces as the door closed behind them. I got ready for work and returned to my desk that day as only a body. My heart and soul were with that baby across town, and it was all I could do to keep myself from crying all day. I even stuck one of his teeny, tiny socks in my pocket so I could rub it when I started to feel sad. It was in those moments that I knew I had been wrong for all those years.

You cannot always tell what your future holds, but when your ideas about life change, you roll with the punches. I couldn't be a happier person now that I have a short, bald guy for a boss. Sure, I'm not bringing in a paycheck or solving insurance problems anymore, but I'm doing something much more important. I am raising my son. Me. I get to see him smile all day. I get to make him laugh hysterically when he's tickled. I get to watch in amazement as he tries to crawl before my very eyes, and I get the complete satisfaction of knowing that I will never regret this decision.

So, society may not yet accept a woman who "sacrifices" herself to raise her family, but I know full well that tomorrow, when that precious baby wakes up, my life is completely perfect and I am right where I want to be.

Settling In

2007-03-28T20:37:00.000-07:00

We have finally made it and settled into our home in San Diego. There are a few loose ends to tie up with organizing the house, but for the most part we are unpacked. The trip was an "uneventful eventful" ride. Turns out that Brady HATES the car. Scratch that. He DESPISES the car. He screamed most of the way from Virginia to San Diego, which wore our nerves out tremendously. My precious, beautiful angel was a screaming devil child in the car.

At first I tried desperately to calm him - signing, toys, DVD's, silence. Nothing worked. Nothing even made a dent in his attempts to scream his guts out. Finally, after days of endless screaming the whole time he was awake, and futile attempts to calm him, I finally gave up and let him cry. I had to laugh while he was doing it because otherwise I would have gone stark raving mad.

I searched endlessy for reasons that he would be so upset. Was his seat belt too tight? Was his car seat loose? Was he sick? I worried myself to death with what could possibly be wrong with him until I noticed a pattern. When the little bugger would hear the seatbelt unclicking, or feel the carseat lifitng off the base, he was INSTANTLY a better baby. He went from lunatic to angel baby in a matter of nanoseconds when he was out of the car. The conclusion was that he just flat out hates the car. Unfortunately, I'm told this goes on for months and months at a time. I am dreading leaving the house.

Along with the unpacking, for the last week we have tried to get Brady into a routine - something he is not used to. With the routine came the unwanted sleeping in his crib, in his own room. It has been a plight to get him to nap or sleep at night on his own, and we have spent countless, endless hours trying to get him back to sleep. The vicous cycle continued daily when he wouldn't sleep enough during the day, and even less at night.

Ultimately, we have broken down and tried the approach we never thought we'd try - crying until he puts himself to sleep. Thankfully, it is not a horrid as it sounds. Noelle gave me the name of a program that several of her girlfriends tried and swear by. "The Sensible Sleep Program" helps you understand that it is your job as a parent to help your child learn how to sleep on his/her own. You do not have to close the child in the room and wait while he screams himself to sleep, you can be in the room with him to give him support and loving touches while he figures this all out. It was hard, but he fell asleep after only 28 minutes of crying. He woke up again 32 minutes later, but put himself to sleep on his own (I was in the room) in 18 minutes. Again, he woke up after about a half hour, but it only took him 5 minutes to fall asleep again.

I feel this method is "humane" and I can honestly say I feel empowered already by giving him the tools he needs to sleep on his own. I mean, come on, who really wants to have to rock a 25 pound 2 year old to sleep?

Speaking of size, Brady had his 4 month appointment on Friday and he continues to grow very well. He's 24 inches and 14 pounds. He falls within the 25% percentile, but the doctor said he's doing very, very well.

I am off to put myself to sleep and pray that the learning of sleep habits doesn't take more than a few nights to teach.

2007-01-26T12:54:00.000-08:00

I have spent the last two days off from work. The first to take care of my sick little guy (just a cold, no worries), and the second to attend to appointments. One of which was having my temporary crown put in...BLECH. The other was to take Brady to his 2 month appointment. My little man isn't so little anymore. He's weighing in at 11 pounds 3 ounces and is now 22 inches long! That's 5 pounds and 4 inches he's added since birth!

I came into work today to find out that my department had a meeting and I was to be left out of it to answer any client calls that came in. I have officially become the "red-headed step child" of my department. They changed the name on my phone to show up as Heather now (my replacement), they got rid of my business cards on my desk, and I was lucky to even have a desk to come back to since they put Heather here just before my return. I am slowly being erased from my position, and I know I should be happy, but it's not fun to be left out of everything. I'm still here everyday, I still get all my work done, I'm still getting a paycheck, so why is it so hard to still include me in the daily activities?

Patrick is currently headed to MI for the weekend to take Cody to live with my Mom. The poor dog has been severly neglected by me since Brady came, but I couldn't help but bawl my eyes out last night as I said my "goodbye" to him. He's only going to be with her for the time we're in San Diego but for the last 5 years I have rarely ever been away from that dog. He has been the thing that I've come home to for years. He kept me company many lonely nights while Patrick was away. He kept me warm on the cold nights when I had to sleep alone. I know this is the best decision for us, but it's so hard to think about him not being around for a while.

There is still so much to do to get ready for this move and I can barely drum up the energy to do anything. I'm so exhausted I can't keep my eyes open at night. Brady and I are going to relax all weekend long. It's cold out and I don't want to take him anywhere!

22 days until we're out of VA...thank GOD!

A New Life...

2007-01-17T06:59:00.000-08:00

I've been severely lacking in time and opportunity to come and update this blog, which, along with housecleaning, is at the bottom of my list of priorities these days. My precious free time is now reserved for cuddling with my little man after a long day of work.

Since my last post, life has changed dramatically. On November 14th, I woke up feeling a ton of pressure in my "nether regions" and called the doctor to see what was up. They had me come in to monitor me for a little while and found I was still having irregular contractions. The nurse practioner advised that they would be surprised if I made it another week. I then asked her if I should call my Mom to tell her to get here, and she replied "OH YEAH! As soon as possible!".

Mom arrived later that night and we spent the next two days running errands and keeping me off my feet. My doctor appointment on Thursday that week showed that I was still dialating and was 100% effaced. Dr. Cox stripped my membranes to help the process along since I was defintely going soon. By 9:20 the next morning, November 17th, I was having full blown contractions every 4 - 7 minutes. I thought it was strange that I felt them all in my back -- and later learned the true meaning of BACK LABOR.

We arrived at the hospital around noon and I was convinced they were going to send me home. I thought for sure I was going to be that woman that ended up going to L&D 18 times before she really was in labor. After monitoring me for about fifteen minutes, the nurse came in and said, "We're not picking up any ctx on the monitor." I said, "Well, than what am I feeling???" She moved the belt to the other side and continued to monitor me. After another 15 minutes she came in and said "Yup, you're in labor." No kidding, eh?

I made it through the contractions without any drugs for the majority of my labor, but after she broke my water they got much worse. I was drug free for 11 of my 12 hours of labor - which I'll likely never do again! My labor was all in my back and it hurt like nothing I've ever experienced. However, I was able to "enjoy" about 45 minutes of the epidural before I started pushing. After pushing through 4 contractions, a total of 15 minutes, Brady Thomas Coppo was born! They whisked him immediately over to the NICU nurses who were waiting for him, but after checking him out they determined they were not needed. Daddy got to hold him first and then he was given to me. At that moment, I looked into my child's eyes and felt the most intense, deep, and profound love a person could ever imagine.

He weighed in at 6 pounds, 4 ounces and was 18 inches long. He was such a tiny little guy, and I just knew I wanted to hold onto him forever. He was covered in muck, had a mild rash looking thing on his body - but he was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on. By the time he arrived in our suite that night, he was cleaned up and wide eyed. I spent the first night in the hospital listening to him make the most amazing noises as he slept. I wasn't sure if these were good noises, so I worried at first -- and then when he stopped making them, I worried that something was wrong.

I love being a Mommy, and while the first few weeks were hard (including another hospital stay as a result of him having a choking episode), it has gotten much easier. He now smiles, coos and laughs at me. I stopped breastfeeding because something in my milk was not agreeing with him, and he's been completely happy and content ever since. I don't regret my decision to stop either because I quickly learned that I would sever my arm with a dull knife in order to make this child happy.

So - that's it for now. We have our move quickly approaching, and while I waste time here at work I may be able to update more. As of today I only have 22 days left until work is done (14 actual work days thanks to our trip to NY this weekend).

Long time...

2006-11-09T11:32:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I sat down to update this thing - and a lot has changed! For one, we found out a couple weeks ago that we're moving to San Diego this winter so that Patrick can go to a Navy training school for Corpsmen. We'll be leaving VA in February so we can go home for a few weeks with the baby and then make our way cross country with our little squirt in tow. Should be an adventure. I'm really excited because it means I get to stay home with the baby for at least the first year and a half of its life. We're going to have so much fun out there.

In other big news, I managed to find myself in Preterm Labor last week and ended up in the hospital for 3 days. They got my contractions under control, finally, and I'm home on bedrest now. Actually, it's more like couchrest. I'm allowed to go up and down the stairs once a day, make my food, go to the bathroom, but other than that I'm on my back - which is likely how I got in this position in the first place! HA!

I had a doctor's appointment today and found that I'm still 2cm dialated and 50% effaced, but the baby's head is "right there" according to my doc. This means I'm probably going soon, although we don't know when. I was given steroid shots in the hospital to help mature the baby's lungs so if it is born early he or she will be okay. I'm terrified to have an early baby because I don't want it to have to be in the NICU, but I'll take whatever God throws my way.

That's it for now. I'll keep posting as much as I can so I can remember these days down the line. Baby Coppo will be here soon...

33 weeks 3 days

The End Is Near

2006-09-28T09:03:00.000-07:00

Tuesday marked a very important stage in this pregnancy, at least to me. That night, Patrick and I went to the hospital to have our “New Baby” tour of the Maternity wing. We wandered around wide eyed and excited along with 12 other couples who were to also deliver there.

During the work day I could hardly focus on anything other than the fact that this was happening – and in less than 11 weeks! I stared blankly at the computer screen in front of me and constantly rattled off an internal list of what, exactly, we hadn’t done yet in preparation for this baby. I had several freak out sessions and even had to call my Mom to declare, “Oh my gosh…I’m going to have a baby!” To which she replied, “I’m sorry, is this the FIRST time you’re realizing this?” Yes, I have finally transitioned from just ‘being pregnant’ to ‘holy cow, I’m going to have to push a human being out of my hoo-ha’ and ‘I am going to be completely responsible for another person’s life’. I can honestly tell you that the revelation of these facts is truly wonderful and terrifying all at the same time.

The maternity ward was clean, quiet and comfortable. I’ll labor, deliver and recover all in my own private room, and then afterwards we will move into our own Mother/Baby suite – complete with fold out bed for Daddy to sleep on. The most significant part of the tour for me, besides getting to see the rooms where we’ll be, was finding out about their steps towards the security of the baby. Not only will the baby have two ID bands (one on the leg, one on the wrist), but Patrick and I will also have bands that will be checked to the match the baby every time it is placed with us in the room. On top of that, each baby wears another security band that is hooked up to the central security of the hospital. If a baby crosses certain areas of the floor, an alarm will go off and the entire hospital will shut down, including elevators and doorways. We were told to be “very careful” where we go on the floor so as not to trip the alarm. This brought a sense of relief to most of the mothers there given how many babies have been stolen from hospitals in the last 10 years.

I am in the final weeks of this adventure and everything is becoming more and more real. I believe the “nesting” part has started because all I can think about is getting home to clean my house. I’ve become a clean freak – quite the opposite from lazy Leah. Last night, we went out to Target and used one of our gift cards to purchase sleepers, onesies, and booties for the baby. Patrick proudly held up the booties and said “Can you even believe that its feet are going to be THIS small?”

I hope to never forget how it feels to have this baby move around inside me, kick me, punch me…it’s the most fantastic feeling in the whole world. Even as I sit here I’m being poked and prodded by either a fist or an elbow…I’m not sure which one. This is truly one of the most beautiful blessings God has bestowed on us humans and I’m extremely proud to be a part of the process.

RIP

2006-09-19T11:48:00.000-07:00

Edward Coppo – “HaHa”

December 2, 1913 – September 18, 2006

We just returned to VA from a long, short weekend in Michigan. We left unexpectedly last week because HaHa (Patrick’s grandpa) had been checked into hospice and they didn’t expect him to live much longer. We drove to Baltimore on Wednesday after work, flew to Detroit Friday morning, and then drove 10 hours up to Houghton after we arrived. It was a rough trip all the way around, with us returning on Sunday night. We were able to see all of Patrick’s extended family while we were there, so that was a plus, but having to see Haha in his current condition was heart-wrenching to say the least. He had withered away to 95 pounds and was in terrible pain from the cancer in his lower extremities. I tried so hard to be strong for Patrick while we were visiting him, but broke down many times and had to excuse myself to cry in the hall. It’s excruciating to have to see your loved one in so much pain, and you honestly pray that the Lord will take them soon so they no longer have to suffer.

HaHa did remember Patrick at one point after waking from one of his frequent morphine induced naps. He saw him standing there and said “Patrick?” and Patrick went immediately to his side. He asked if Patrick was still in school, and Patrick reminded him that he was in the military. HaHa then went on to say how much he liked to fish and watch hockey, baseball and football. Patrick brought up the Tigers and they talked managers for a few minutes. It seemed for that moment the dementia and Alzheimer’s hadn’t affected his memory. He fell back asleep, and woke up later and asked about Jim (Patrick’s Dad). He didn’t remember then that Jim had died, but when we reminded him, he seemed to understand, asking “About three years ago, right?” All we could say was yes – even though it was 12.

We left after a short while because the hospice nurse came by to do her job, and Patrick decided he didn’t want to go back later that day because he had left HaHa on a good note, and he was afraid to go back in case he was worse. I can’t say I blame him.

We were informed this morning that he passed last night very peacefully. I am glad his suffering is over and that he is at peace. He’s up there with Noni, Jim and Uncle Patrick now, with both his legs in full use, and he’s enjoying his family. Heaven has another angel with HaHa, and I know he is enjoying his time up there.

Mo' Money, Mo' Money, Mo' Money!

2006-09-09T06:09:00.000-07:00

The Coast Guard finally came through yesterday, albeit a little late, with the list of cuts for advancement -- and Patrick is going to be making 2nd Class Petty Officer!!! He is in New Jersey for the weekend so I had to call him and tell him about it! I love being the bearer of fantastic news!

This means a pay raise just in time (or shortly thereafter) for the baby to be able to spend it! We've waited a long time for this and are super excited that it's happening for him. Our chances have now improved that we may be getting out of here next summer, but I'm not going to hold my breath. :)

Today, Jenn and I are going to get massages and have a girls day. She's back in town for a school and I can't believe just how much I've missed her. It's crazy.

Tomorrow is Rally Day at church, so I'll be at Newport News Park all day...outside...in the heat...ugh.

In All Her Glory...

2006-09-04T09:23:00.000-07:00

26 weeks pregnant...

Oh, Ernesto!

2006-09-01T12:54:00.000-07:00

I have now lived through my first ever Tropical Storm system – TS Ernesto. He came across Florida earlier this week as a Depression, and then quickly picked up speed as he got back out into the Atlantic. The highest the winds got were 70 mph, so he never officially became a Hurricane, but was damn near close.

This morning I woke up early from the sounds of wind and rain, turned on the TV to watch a bit of the coverage, and then decided to jump in the shower. Just as I was turning on the water, the power went out and came back on. Then, as fast as it came back on, it was out again – and I was left standing in the dark wondering how I was going to get ready for work with no electricity! We live in a townhouse, so there are only 4 windows in the whole place, and the bathroom is not one of them. I had to take a shower by candlelight, which under different circumstances would have been highly romantic, and throw make up on my face as I piled my hair in a bun.

Driving to work was treacherous, even for a 2.5 mile commute. Power was out EVERYWHERE but work…wouldn’t you know it. We sat here all day as the wind whipped the leaves around, bent the trees, and shook the building. 40 mph winds with 60 mph gusts were nothing to laugh at. The rain came down in buckets – and I can honestly say that I cannot remember ever seeing so much in one day in my life.

The majority of the storm has now passed us, and they are finally letting us out of work a little early so we can go home and survey the damage. I’m sure the next week will be full of calls here at work, but as my boss said yesterday “This is what we do in our business”. I’m just glad we don’t have any trees on our house!

The only one...

2006-08-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

Last night I took my first pregnancy exercise class after work. I should have been doing this all along and maybe I wouldn’t have put on so much weight already, but I digress. The class was at Riverside Wellness Center and it’s free for those who deliver there, so I figured why not! The class had about 8 other girls in it, and besides the girl who is due in 2 weeks, we were all mostly due in November and December. It was nice to “size” everyone up and know that I’m not bigger than I think I am and seem to be right on target for now! (“For now” being the operative words here, since I’m definitely not done growing yet!).

During warm up, which finally got my blood pumping for the first time in months, we did introductions. The girl who was due in two weeks started, and we went around the room saying when we were due, whether or not this was our first child, and the gender of the baby. As the girls went around, each and every one of them was able to say “This is a…” and spill the gender while proudly rubbing their protruding belly. Finally, it became my turn to introduce myself (I was the newbie), and I said “I’m Leah, this is my first, I’m due December 12^th – and we don’t know what we’re having.” I said it almost sheepishly because in that moment I felt like the ONLY person in the whole world who wasn’t able to proudly tell the gender of their child. I got a resounding “I don’t know how you do it!” and, “I need to know what kind of clothes to buy!” to which I replied, “This isn’t my doing! If it were up to me, I would know already! It’s my husband’s fault! He doesn’t want to know.”

It’s funny how there’s more people out there now who couldn’t do the whole waiting thing. I hardly ever get a pat on the back, but sometimes I will and it does help; however, I go through phases where I get so antsy and just want to know what this baby is so I can stop referring to my child as “IT”. I’d love to rub my belly and talk to this little one by using their name. I guess that’s the difference between me and Patrick – he can wait, and I can’t.

There is an envelope in our house right now that contains a slip of paper with the gender on it. It was given to us by the ultrasound tech in Ludington after my spill in Meijer’s. She sealed it, taped it and signed it so that if either of us were to open it, the other would know right away. I think this is the cruelest form of punishment on the face of the earth. I hate surprises and this thing is staring me in the face every day. Some days I swear I think I hear it calling to me. “Mommmmmmmmmmmmmy…don’t you want to know what color clothes to buy me?” “Mommmmmmmmmmmy, don’t you want to know what name you’re going to use”. It’s awful.

Some days I don’t think that December is going to get here fast enough!

Rejuvenation

2006-08-29T06:50:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was our 6^th wedding anniversary and to celebrate we spent the weekend at the Inn on Pamlico Sound in Cape Hatteras, NC. The Inn was the most fantastic place for rest, relaxation, and rejuvenation for us. We considered it to be our anniversary trip and Babymoon all in one. (Babymoon is the new term for first time expecting parents to get away. Clever, I know).

The Inn was right on the water, and our room had a breathtaking view. We spent the mornings out on the deck, sipping coffee in the hunter green rocking chairs. It felt as if the world stood still and we were the only occupants. We had breakfast on the decks outside, served by the Inn staff. I can already tell that feasting on the homemade muffins and breakfast goodies will cause for an even larger bum, but I don’t care. The staff and Innkeepers were more than hospitable and did everything in their power to ensure we had no worries while we were there. At one point, Steve, the owner, walked by Patrick and me as we sat on the couch reading the paper and said, “You guys really need to do something about that stress level. I’m starting to get worried about you!”

The weekend was the perfect way to spend our last few months together as only a couple. My fantastic husband even ordered up a bottle of Sparkling Cider for us to share to celebrate, since I can’t partake in the consumption of the real stuff. We spent the evenings in the oversized Jacuzzi tub, complete with candle light provided by Patrick, and lounged around during the day. I could not think of a better way to spend a weekend with the man that I am completely head over heels in love with.

Life is back to reality, and our daily routines will now consist of washing baby clothes, setting up the crib, painting the nursery, and preparing our lives (and our house) for the arrival of this little one. There is no one on this earth that I would rather be going through this with, and I can’t wait to see what the next lifetime has to offer us.

Unrealistic Expectations

2006-08-01T04:26:00.000-07:00

Where do I draw the line between what’s realistically expected of my pregnant self, and what’s not? I have become obsessed with watching shows like “A Baby Story”, “Surviving Motherhood”, “Bringing Home Baby”, and the like. Nothing would be wrong with that except for the fact that I watch these beautiful women on TV having pain free, or little pain, labors and deliveries – all while their hair is done up and their make-up isn’t running.

I have always had a serious problem with my self image. Even as a sticklike teenager I could stare at myself in the mirror and see nothing but fat. Now, as I’m steadily expanding outward, it kills me when people say “OH! Look at how big you are!” or “I think you got bigger over the weekend!”, and the best one yet “You’re definitely filling out in your face already!” All things to which I reply “I am pregnant you know”, with an ever so slight roll of the eyes. I’m just shy of 5 months, and of course my belly is getting bigger, there’s a growing human inside of it…what do they expect?

I really have unrealistic expectations of how I should look now, and even worse expectations of what I should look like after delivery. All of this stems from watching beautiful women like Heidi Klum show up on the red carpet mere days after giving birth. I guess if I had a personal trainer and chef, I may be able to look like that. But alas, I will be stuck with my cottage cheese butt until I can find the time to get off it and go to the gym.

I really love being pregnant, and as my body changes I am becoming more receptive to the extra weight and elastic waistbands in my clothes. I just have to realize that I’m not going to make it back into my size 4’s right after birth, and in fact, may never fit into them again. It’s a chance I’m willing to take to be a mother…as nothing is more rewarding.

Unrealistic Expectations

2006-08-01T02:04:00.000-07:00

"The" Day

2006-07-07T13:55:00.000-07:00

I’ve kept my spirits up as much as possible today, and I think I’ve done a pretty good job. Today would have been my due date with our first “angel” bean. It’s hard to think about even now with this beautiful child moving about my abdomen. It’s difficult to explain how one feels when they’re happily and safely pregnant with a child after they lost another.

I wonder if that baby was a boy or a girl. While it makes no difference it would have been nice to know. I will keep that child in my heart forever, even after the birth of this little one. Somehow, time flew by and this date came fast, which probably means I’m ill prepared for how quickly December will arrive. J

Angel Bean is in our thoughts today and we’re going out to dinner to celebrate its life as well as the life of the baby growing inside me.

Perks

2006-06-20T16:33:00.000-07:00

I love, love, love being pregnant. No, seriously...this is the best thing since sliced bread. There aren't enough words to accurately describe how wonderful it feels to know that you have created a HUMAN LIFE and you are charged with keeping it safe while it grows. I have discovered that my own life seems much more bright and much more exciting now that I have this little one to look forward to meeting.

This picture was taken at 10w5d pregnant last month. Not much to show, really, although at the time the picture was taken I felt like the human equivlant to Grimmace from McDonalds. This is only to show my progression and give me something to look forward to going back to.

This picture was taken on Sunday at 14w5d and it finally shows my rounding belly. Up until this point, I really only felt fat. People would stare at me like they KNEW I had eaten too much ice cream and was paying the price. Now, I get a few questionable stares because people just don't want to ask if you ARE pregnant for fear of offending you, but mostly people can recognize that I am pregnant. I love this feeling.

The best perks, besides the glow and the smile that never seems to go away, are the boobs. Yes, I said it. The boobs. These suckers are AWESOME. I keep trying to convince them that even after breastfeeding they should stay around. I tell them that I'll give them a good home and even show them off. What did I ever do without these things. Despite my growing waistline, it's still nice to see how nicely they sit in a VNeck shirt. Nice and perky. Thus, the reason they are one of the great "perks" of pregnancy.

Only a few more months until this little one debuts in our world, sometimes it can't come fast enough.

String Bean

2006-05-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to share the newest picture of our “bean”. After a fall down the stairs on Mother’s Day (at home alone, of course), I was immediately seen at the doctor’s office where they performed an unscheduled ultrasound to calm my fears that something may have happened to the baby after my fall. My anxiety was calmed as soon as I saw our baby floating around in an invisible sea – and this time it had arms and legs, and even waved at its Momma through the screen. The nurse said “Oh wow…look at those long legs already! This baby is going to be tall”, to which I replied, “That would be pretty consistent to the fact that my husband and I are both practically giants!” We had a nice laugh and I was able to breathe again.

I woke up this morning to my find my “bump” well on its way to forming, and all I could do was sit there and smile at myself. I can’t remember a time in my life where I was so excited to have myself a little belly. I have had the most spectacular pregnancy so far – no morning sickness, no nausea, my weight gain so far is minimal – and I’m loving every second of this adventure. Even the 25 trips to the bathroom each day! I’m so thrilled to be blessed enough to experience this, and I can’t wait to feel the baby move for the first time!

My husband continues to amaze me every day of this pregnancy. I’m not allowed to do anything at home except put up my feet, and even then, he rubs them for me! If I ATTEMPT to do the dishes, I get yelled at. If I TRY to fold a load of laundry, I’m in trouble. Thank God for this man because I am exhausted and need my feet up as much as I can possibly stand after working a 40+ hour work week.

Next Thursday (June 1) will be the day we hear the heartbeat! I know I will cry tears of joy, and am misting up just thinking about it. It’s so amazing to know that there is a HUMAN BEING growing inside me right now. How cool is that??

The Day the World Almost Ended

2006-05-03T12:13:00.000-07:00

Monday started out as any normal day would. It was overcast, the weather was cool, and I had to take Patrick to his follow up eye appointment after his successful PRK surgery last week. I dressed for work, took him there and home, and went about my daily activities.

As my work day came to a close, I became absolutely ravenous with hunger. I couldn't figure out what to eat that would satisfy my urge for food, and as I thought about it I remembered that I had a bag of Combos in the car from the day before. I purposely sealed them up and kept them there for this specific purpose - a treat for myself. Now, I've been trying very hard to eat healthy during this pregnancy, but every once in a while I do get the urge for something not so good and I do let my self fall off the wagon for one thing. This week, it was my bag of glorious, salty, pizza flavored Combos.

I took off like lightening to the car at 5:00, jumped in and began driving home. While behind the wheel, I searched for the bag I had left, but couldn't find it. I waited until I reached a red light, pressed firmly on the breaks, and turned around to search the backseat for the Combos I so desperately wanted. I hot flash came over me as I realized that my once full bag of trash was now empty, and I said out loud to myself, "Ohmygosh, he threw them away!!!!"

As I drove down the street approaching our house, I began to try to reason with myself. Normal Leah said "Good gracious, it's just food. There's nothing to be upset about." Pregnant Crazy Leah said "BUT HE THREW THEM AWAY". Normal Leah said "But, he didn't mean to do it. I'm sure it was an accident." Pregnant Psycho Leah said "It doesn't MATTER! He had NO RIGHT to do that. I'm friggin hungry!" I struggled with myself for the next 3 minutes to not make a big deal out of this situation. I thought I was successful, too, until I began to walk in the door.

What would normally be a situation that shouldn't be a big deal had now became the end of the world as I had known it. I threw open the door and awoke my recovering husband from his nap with a loud, mean and crazy sounding, "Did you throw away my Combos?!?!". He woke up groggy, looked me in my eye and said "Yes", not knowing that this would seal his fate. He could have lied and said that he didn't know what I was talking about, but he didn't. I glared at him and said "WHY would you DO that??", and he had no response. I stormed off into the other room and finished with "You can't just throw a pregnant woman's food away!!!".

I sat in the other room festering about the loss of not only such a valuable, tasty treat, but also, apparently, my mind. Again, I tried to reason with myself, but Pregnant Out of Her Mind Leah prevailed. Patrick followed shortly thereafter and said "Are you okay?", to which I gnarled "NO, I am bloated and irritable!" and blew past him out of the room. As I stomped away he said "Was it anything I did??" I continued walking up the steps, peered down and him and shouted "YES! You THREW AWAY MY COMBOS!!!!".

I saw the look on his face as he struggled with whether or not to call me the crazy psycho that I was, or continue to live his life. He said nothing, turned on his heel and walked away. I'm sure he was cursing me out with every step, but he didn't let on that he was doing it. I sat upstairs as Normal Leah came back around defeated, wounded and not the same person she used to be. I knew what had just happened was out of my control, and I was warned that this would happen, but I don't think I was quite prepared for it. Every sense of my being KNEW I was wrong for acting like that, and no matter how hard I tried, the hormones had total control. As Carrie would later tell me, I just couldn't fight it, I had to let it play itself out.

I did apologize to my husband for my odd, offensive and downright off-the-wall behavior, and he graciously accepted. He understands that my body and my hormones are no longer my own, and he knows that if he expects to make it through this time, he needs to be accepting of Pregnant Crazy Leah when she rears her ugly head.

God bless the men who have to put up with us. I don't know how they do it, but they deserve medals and prizes for it.

Veins and Vanity...

2006-04-26T07:48:00.000-07:00

Seven weeks into this pregnancy and I can count myself pretty lucky so far. I am only nauseous for a few minutes in the morning, and have only had one "episode" of throwing up. The only major complaint I have had is the bloating. Holy cow, talk about not fitting in your clothes. Sometimes during the day if you catch a glimpse at me, you may think I'm about 5 months along. Thankfully, with some rest and some good gas pills, I seem to deflate overnight.

One of the other joys of realizing that my body is no longer mine, besides the complete and total fatigue, is the "road map of America" that has popped up on my skin. Particularly my chest. Blue veins are prominent, and if you look closely, you may be able to use that area to get you from Tulsa to San Antonio. Who knew that this was a symptom??

Pregnancy is not the time for vanity, but it is a hard thing to overcome. I have worked long and hard to keep the 50 pounds I lost off my frame, and while I know that I'm not perfect, the weight gain and body changes are a little hard for me to handle. I can hear "Fat Leah" screaming to get out, saying encouraging things like "Doesn't that plate of cheese fries look incredible??!" or "That Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese is calling our name!". I thought I had killed her for good, but I know she's in there dying to get out as my ass spreads and my legs get thicker. She knows what my temptations are (pizza, garlic bread, fries, hot dogs, etc) and she is not afraid to use them. I refuse to be the kind of pregnant woman who divulges into every want and uses this time to eat what she pleases. I KNOW how hard it is to get that weight off, and I can't do that to myself again.

My clothes are already fitting a little tighter than usual. My snug size 4 jeans have been tossed aside to prevent further bloating, and I'm comfortably in my 6's for the time being. The 4's just seem to make me swell up faster, thanks to their hugging my every curve. I'm all about comfort right now, and am living in my elastic waistband shorts, skirts and pants. Oversized t-shirts are my best friends. I'm not ready to purchase any maternity clothes yet, so if I can wear it and be comfortable, it's still being worn.

This is such a wonderful time in our lives, and I am enjoying every minute I possibly can. I am pretty irritable, and watching Nick Lachey on MTV the other day made me cry, but this is one of the most exciting things I will ever experience as a woman. I am so blessed to have this opportunity, especially after all the years we worried that it may never happen.

Ultrasound coming up on May 4th!

Utter Exhaustion

2006-04-17T08:56:00.000-07:00

It's hard for me to even keep my eyes open long enough to type this entry. Even now, my upper lids feel heavy and are begging to make contact with the lower lids so that they may rest. However, this is not something that I am complaining about. In fact, along with the nausea I felt this morning, these are welcome symptoms of the "condition" I am currently in. These are things I actually prayed to be feeling, if you can possibly imagine it. Yes, boys and girls, I am FINALLY pregnant!

This was confirmed on Tuesday April 4th and I just knew when I woke up that I needed to take the test to prove to myself that what I had been feeling were not actually pregnancy symptoms. They HAD to be phantom symptoms that I had dreamed up. In fact, the day before at my physicians office for an appointment for my UTI (yuck), I was told that I wasn't pregnant; however, the Nurse I spoke with said that it was still possible since I didn't have a good "quality sample" to give due to my condition on that day. After Patrick left for work on Tuesday morning, I dragged myself out of bed and took the home test. As I was undressing to get in the shower, I kept peeking at the test that wasn't actually ready to be viewed. I jumped in the shower just KNOWING that it was going to be negative. I took the fastest shower in the history of showers, not even stopping to shave my legs. When I got out and looked that the test sitting on the sink, it was like a light shined down from heaven to highlight the beautiful second line confirming, in fact, I was pregnant.

I had to wait the entire day before I told Patrick, because I refused to tell him on the phone. I rushed home after work to tell him in my own "special" way by placing a hamburger bun in the oven (get it "bun in the oven"?). After telling him I wanted to make a pineapple cake and needed a specific pan to do so, I sent him on a search to find it. He looked in all the cabinets and kept pulling out various pans asking if I meant that one. "Nope, it's bigger than that," or "Nope, it's smaller than that," and I kept saying "Did you check the oven?". He adamantly told me it wasn't there, but I begged him to look anyway. He pulled open the oven and replied "Nope, no pan...but there's a hamburger bun in here." I said "A what?", and he said "A hamburger bun." I replied, "Where?", "In the oven," he said, pointing to it as if it was meant to be there. I said "WHAT?" trying to act surprised. "There's a HAMBURGER BUN IN THE OVEN!" He shouted. "A hamburger what?" I replied. "Bun." he said. "Where?" "In the oven!" he said. I pulled the pregnancy tests out of my pocket and said "No kidding, there's a bun in the oven?" His jaw dropped open in amazement and he immediately picked me up to hug and kiss me.

I am almost 6 weeks along, and almost past the "milestone" of where I lost the last baby. I still worry at every twinge I feel, and I will until I'm past my first trimester. We decided to share our news early this time as we felt that the power of prayer and positivity can definitely be of help. A lot of people think we're crazy for doing so, but if more people send up prayers for this little bean, what's the harm? Plus, telling people we were having a miscarriage before being able to say we were pregnant last time was physically and emotionally one of the worst things we had ever done.

I am due December 14th, 2006, just 3 days after my Mom's 50th birthday. My Dad made me promise he would be past 50 when we had our first kid, and he would have been 52 this year, so I think I held up my end of our bargain fairly well. I also made the promise that we wouldn't use the name Lawrence (his first) for our boy if we ever had one. I will keep that promise, too.The funny thing is that we'll have been married for over 6 years when this baby gets here! That's forever compared to most marriages. :)

I cannot wait for the sleepless nights, the 2 am feedings, the diaper changes and for this little one to look at me and smile. There is so much to look forward to now and I think the next 8 months will go by very slowly. I thought I was so disappointed in myself for not having finished my degree yet, but I realize now that the only job I really want is to be a Mommy.

Spring has sprung!

2006-04-02T05:17:00.000-07:00

Even after one of the mildest winters I've ever experienced, it is still nice to welcome spring. The weather yesterday was in the 80's, the sun shined, the wind blew warm breezes and I, for one, enjoyed every second of it. I think today I may go out in the neighborhood and take some pictures of the trees in bloom. I don't fancy myself a photographer by any means, but I do love to record life so when I'm old, I have a lot to remember.

There is not much to report on this end of life. We're still alive and kicking, so that's good. We have our trip to Michigan coming up in less than 2 months, and I cannot wait for that week to come. My baby brother is graduating high school. How freaking weird is that? I can't get over it.

Work is as stressful as ever. They decided to announce to the whole office that Matt was leaving our dept to go to Commercial Lines. The worst part is that they called it a "promotion" when we do more work than the CL girls do - and not to mention this was out of the clear blue and no one gave us a heads up. Every last girl in my department is ticked off at how this was handled. We're like the red-headed step children of the agency, and frankly, I'm tired of being disrespected.

Today we're meeting the Dawsons for lunch, working in the yard and going to Youth Group. We're skipping church today because rumor has it that Pastor Hank won't be there and neither of us likes it when the associate Pastor does the service. ;0) Oooohh...we're bad Christians! :)

Digital Slave

2006-03-23T06:02:00.000-08:00

The last 72+ hours have changed my life. How, you ask? I finally crossed over into the digital world and accepted digital cable with a DVR into my life. Now, a new slave to the digital world has been born. I cannot even fathom what my life was like on Sunday before we installed this function into our lives. Not only do we now have 800 more cable channels, including Oxygen where my favorite "Inhale" yoga program runs, but we also have the ability to record any program we want without searching for a blank tape to record on. Our collection of tapes labeled "Anything" will soon dwindle away and be out in the trash like the basic cable we used to have.

I realized the full functionality of having a DVR while watching a show on roller coasters. Patrick happened to be BBQing dinner at the time it was on, and I urged him to come into the room to see this particular ride. "HURRY!", I said, as if the world was going to end if he missed it. He made it to the room just as it was over, missing the part I so desperately wanted him to see. "Shoot!", I said in a huff, thinking how awesome it would have been for him to witness the fury this coaster gave it's riders. All of the sudden, it was like a light went off in my head, and I swear I heard the "ding" as it came on, just like in the cartoons. "OH-MY-GOSH...you CAN see it because I can REWIND LIVE TV!!!" That moment changed my life forever.

Now I can record my favorite fitness programs and do them in the morning before work, thus eliminating the need to travel to the gym and fight for a cardio machine. We can record weekly shows while we're out and about, and come back to watch them whenever we please. We can rewind "time" and then fast forward through the mind numbing commercials that plague our favorite shows.

How in the world did I ever live without this thing? It's the "Cell Phone Effect", as I like to call it. New things are brought into your lives and after a while you wonder how it was you ever managed your crazy life without them. Computers, Cell Phones, Palm Pilots, iPods, and DVRs, what was your life like without them?

New Monogamy?

2006-03-15T10:02:00.000-08:00

Bored at work this morning, I was perusing MSN when I happened upon an article entitled "The New Monogamy". I considered what this statement meant and curiosity got the best of me, so I clicked the link. After my jaw hit the desk, I was able to finish reading the article. To sum it up, "The New Monogamy" is where married couples set new bounds and rules to their relationships so that "agreed upon" cheating is okay and helped to keep their partners from straying otherwise. No, I am not kidding. There are actually people out there who do this.

Could you even imagine setting up "rules" for your spouse that allowed them to physically interact with another human on a sexual level, without consequences? Doesn't that completely traipse all over the word "monogamy"? Monogamy is defined as "marriage to one person", or "having one sexual partner". Mono = one. Where is the double meaning word that allows for you and your spouse to run around town doing what was "within the rules" with whomever you please? In my world, we call that dating and not marriage.

To quote a part of the article, Cathi Hanauer, an author, states:

"We already know that monogamous marriage is far from a raging success in this country. In my opinion, if some couples want to try veering slightly from the contract by creating their own rules, more power to them. I commend their courage in thinking deeply about marriage and its shortcomings, and for having the creativity and guts to adjust it to fit their mutual needs."

Monogamous marriage is far from a raging success not because people are expected to be with one person for the rest of their lives, but because people jump in with both feet and expect marriage to be easy and perfect. The point of marrying someone is to build a life with that person that is founded on communication and trust. When you marry someone, you do have to realize that (gasp), you will be sleeping with that person for the rest of your life. Oh wait...my bad...that IS the contract you enter into when you get married, isn't it? I see no courage about looking beyond your life partner for a dose of sex from someone else, I see that as cowardice. When you enter into a marriage, you are choosing to be with that person, uplift that person, honor that person - so how does "agreed upon" cheating help you achieve that.

No matter how much a person says they're "okay" with their spouse having some type of sexual relations with another person, jealousy is not an emotion that can go unfelt forever. One day, you will see your spouse with someone who is more attractive than you, with better legs than you, with higher breasts and a tighter ass than you, or maybe that person will be more intellectual than you, know more about world policies than you do - and you will begin to feel inferior. That feeling will slowly mold into jealousy and your trust will be diminished and your marriage will be affected. So, how is "the NEW monogamy" better than the old?

Maybe I am old fashioned, or maybe I'm a prude, but I entered in to marriage with my husband because I WANTED to be with only him for the rest of my life. I find nothing more exciting or intense than the relationship we share. Those who seek to redefine monogamy or marriage will end up never having the feelings I have for my husband. And that is a fact.

Early Wake Up

2006-03-15T04:08:00.000-08:00

While laying in bed last night, Patrick suggested that we both get up at the same time in the morning and enjoy 45 minutes of togetherness over breakfast as we start our day. The thought of waking up at 5:15 on purpose was a little tough to swallow, but needless to say, I did it anyway.

We stood around in our pj's, making eggs together and waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. I eagerly downed my coffee as I waited for the burst of caffiene induced energry to wake me up, and I realized that I wasn't even really that tired. His suggestion may just turn into our "early morning" tradition. Our lives have been abnormally crazy these days with all of our extracurricular activities and it's nice to just sit together and enjoy our company before our hectic day begins.

Whatever am I going to do when we leave this billet and he's gone all the time? We're more than 2 years away from that, but I'm sure it will creep up on us fast.

Warm Breezes

2006-03-13T14:00:00.000-08:00

The past 5 days have given us a glimpse into summer complete with sunshine, 85 degree temps, and warm breezes from the south. I can honestly say that I would not trade living down here for anything right now, and although the temps will drop 20 degrees tomorrow, the 5 days of paradise was well worth it. I was able to drive around town with my windows down, with my flip flops on, as the wind blew tangles in my hair. My radio blasted 90's music and I sang "The Humpty Dance" at the top of my lungs while sitting at a stop light. Sometimes it seems as if life cannot get better.

On Friday we went out to dinner at Cheeseburger in Paradise to celebrate Shannon's 28th birfday. The weather was so nice that they had the garage style doors opened and there was seating on the patio for the first time in months. The frozen drinks helped to keep me in the "tropical" atmosphere, that is, until my burger came out bleeding all over my bun. That ruined my appetite and set my stomach up for disaster for the rest of the evening.

Saturday we went to the gym, ran errands, walked the dog, took naps and then went to a BBQ at Marshall and Natalie's. It was a lot of fun, as usual, and there were more people to meet this time. Sunday was church and Youth Group by myself since Patrick had duty.

Tonight we'll be headed to have Mexican at El Mariachi's so we can sip margaritas on the patio and feast Mexican style while we wait for the temperature to fall back to normal. What a nice time we had living it up Summer style in the middle of March.

The High Seas...

2006-03-09T06:22:00.000-08:00

It's hard to admit this in writing, especially when I know that people can read this particular journal and I'm putting myself out there, but this is my journal, right? I'm gonna write what I want to.

I have become SO consumed with getting pregnant again that it's taken over my life. I have become so bad that I have refrained from shopping (my favorite pastime) because I didn't want to buy anything JUST IN CASE I got pregnant again and couldn't fit into it. I mean, we're talking, I wouldn't buy a BRA because I was afraid I wouldn't fit into it in a few weeks. Well...we see where that attitude has gotten me. I am STILL not pregnant - and I'm tired of living my life around the JUST IN CASE. Is it irony that we try for years to prevent such a thing from happening and when we want it the most, we can't have it? Or is it an odd game our body likes playing with us as a payback for all the years it's been pumped with hormones to PREVENT it from happening? I haven't decided which it is yet.

Nonetheless, I have decided to take back control of my life and focus on something else for a while. This thing I'm going to focus on is our next CARIBBEAN CRUISE! We're going to sail the high seas again in January 2007 for a Western Caribbean cruise on the Explorer of the Seas. I know it seems far away (10 months to be exact), but it gives us plenty of time to pay for the cruise and focus on how much fun we'll have.

Our cruise in 2004 proved to be one of the best times we've had in our marriage. It was JUST US and we were able to do all the things we wanted to do, explore tropical islands, lay in the sun...everything we wanted to do and more. What better way to spend a week with the person you love most in the world? Plus, it's definitely a bonus that for formal night, my honey will wear his Bravo uniform and be the sexiest man on the ship (well, he's the sexiest anyway, but that uniform makes me DROOL).

So, I'm refocusing my life and my time on things in the now and not what COULD happen in the future. I'm pretty proud of myself considering how neurotic I've become with the whole baby thing. This is just the thing I need! TROPICAL PARADISE, HERE WE COME!

Weekend Ramblings...

2006-02-19T16:40:00.000-08:00

Why can't the work week go by as fast as the weekend? It seems as if every time a weekend comes around it is gone as fast as it came. This one was no exception, either.

Friday night, Patrick and I had a date night and went out to the movies. We saw "Freedomland" with Samuel Jackson. While it was a decent movie, it left me feeling like there was something missing. I would recommend waiting for DVD for this one.

Saturday the weather turned frigidly cold and wet. Jenn bough tickets for us to see "Rent" in Norfolk for the afternoon performance, so we ventured out in it. Needless to say, it was WELL worth it! We had great seats and both sat in awe as we tried to take everything in. The people who performed had the most amazing, moving voices I have possibly ever heard. I was so excited to be there.

Last night, we went with Jenn and Scott over to Natalie and Marshall's house for dinner/boardgames/cards. It was a lot of fun. Joe and Jen were there with there kids, too, but didn't stay long as everyone had been battling colds all week. We had a good time getting to know Natalie and Marshall and it looks like this will turn into a monthly "Get together" until Jenn and Scott and Joe and Jen move away. At least we're making more friends so we're not completely alone when they move!

Patrick has work off tomorrow while I have to sit at work and bang my head against the keyboard because NO ONE knows we'll be at work tomorrow. UGH!

Be Mine

2006-02-14T10:09:00.000-08:00

Alas, it is February 14 again, which means the stores are filled with heart shaped boxes of chocolate, discounts on perfume, exorbitant prices on flowers, and those "last minute" gifts for the husbands that forgot what today is. Valentines Day, much like Christmas, has been over commercialized and has forced men to run to buy those heart shaped pendants, rings, or earrings for their significant others. Why is it that we need a national holiday to be forced to remind those we love how much we mean to them? Thank goodness, I am married to a fantastic man who reminds me every day how much he loves me, and doesn't need a date on a calendar to do so.

I, for one, am not into jewelry or expensive gifts -- and I think an anniversary is much more to celebrate than a day that everyone else shares. I would rather my husband rub my feet while watching TV than bring me some piece of jewelry that 20,000 other women will have. Thankfully, I have a thoughtful husband who will make me French Toast on a Sunday morning, complete with a glass of Grapefruit juice because he knows it's my favorite - and not because he is forced to compete with the other men on the planet trying to prove their love.

The best Valentine's Day we've had, though, was our first one. We were broke, engaged, and as completely head over heels for each other as we are now. Patrick's mom was either out of town, or working, I can't remember, so we had the whole house to ourselves. Patrick made me a wonderful dinner, and he made a picinic in front of the fireplace. He brought melted chocolate, whip cream and strawberries for us to "snack" on for dessert. Of course, this was all supposed to be romantic, but romance was taken over by laughter as we turned the dessert into the chance to have a whip cream and chocolate fight. We were covered from head to toe and enjoyed every moment of it.

Tonight, we will get our portaits taken for the church directory, and then we will go out to a nice dinner - not because we have to, but because we want to, not because Patrick wants to impress me, but because we both love food so much! The best thing about this Valentine's Day is that, 6 years later, my husband still gives me butterflies when he looks at me, I still want to spend all of my free time with him, I can't get enough of him and him of me, and that he's the best thing that ever happened to me. That, to me, is the kind of gift money can't buy, and it's the best gift of all.

Silent Lunch

2006-02-10T12:32:00.000-08:00

Picture 200 second graders in a crowded room. Now, imagine it's lunchtime and all hell has broken loose as children run around, scream, and throw food at each other. Now, imagine the underpaid, overworked, stressed out staff that has to tolerate this behavior. What would you do to seize management of the situation?

With the amount of disrespect that happens in school, why would a parent ever question the reason for a "Silent Lunch" to gain control over unruly students? The consequence fits the crime - you act civil while in the building eating or you will be punished by having to sit with your head down. Plain and simple. There is no corporal punishment. There is no humiliation.

So, where is the harm in giving a punishment for those who choose to break the rules? You'd bet your ass that if my child acted like a monkey during lunch, or at any other point in time, I would be more than happy for you to punish my kid, especially with something as minimal as a silent lunch.

This used to happen to us in school all the time. Recess would be taken away if we acted up. We'd have to keep our heads down while other classes would participate in school functions. It taught us that if we didn't act right, we'd be in trouble. And we wonder why, as a society, our children are becoming more badly behaved by each year. We wonder why we have no control over our kids as we sit by and let them run rampant over any ounce of respect we ever hoped of teaching them.

There isn't enough cause and effect punishment in today's world. The longer we "baby" our children and let them get away with misbehaving without reprimand, the longer we'll have to deal with generations of thankless, rude, and unruly people -- who will someday rule this world. Scary, isn't it?

Horsin' Around

2006-02-06T19:22:00.000-08:00

We spent the weekend in Thurmond, NC visiting with Patrick's Aunt Elaine who was there visiting her dear friend, Audrey. Audrey and Aunt Elaine have known each other just about 60 years and have the unfortunate tragedy of becoming widows this past fall...within weeks of each other. Audrey told Aunt Elaine to invite us down so we could see her, so we made the 5.5 hour trek to spend the weekend on the farm with them.

We had such a good time catching up with Aunt Elaine, who we haven't seen since our wedding day 5.5 years ago! This is an amazing woman, she has been through so much adversity in her life, yet she still shines like the sun. It's amazing how resilient we humans are - in the face of tragedy we can still perservere and make it through. We still get up every day, brush our teeth, get dressed and keep breathing. She is a true testament to the human spirit.

Besides the awesome candle sale we went to (at the candle factory where I got 100 candles for $60!) the best part of the weekend was my very own, private riding lesson from Audrey. I've been on a horse twice before for trail rides, but the instructors/guides never spent more than 3 minutes explaining how to handle the horse and I would cry tears of complete fear when the horse did anything more than a "mosey". I have always loved horses and knew if I got the chance to learn more about them I would be good with them.

Audrey said I was a "natural" in the saddle and that my posture was that of someone who had been riding all their lives. I rode Raisin around the house several times while I learned how to properly hold the reigns and direct her which way I wanted to go. Each time we got behind the house where Audrey could no longer see, Raisin took it upon herself to go into a trot -- but I didn't panic. I calmly made her stop so we could continue on without incident. I had such an amazing time on that horse, and Audrey has invited us down for more riding lessons whenever we want. This weekend made us decide that our retirement will be planned with horses in mind.

The weekend and the visit were much too short, but it was exciting to be with Aunt Elaine nonetheless. Hopefully, we can get to Kansas City sometime soon so that we can spend some more time with her - and not let 5.5 years pass before we see each other again!

Suds and Studs...

2006-01-30T05:04:00.000-08:00

Why is it that laundry never seems to get done? I can spend a whole day washing, drying, folding and putting away clothes for TWO people, and the next day there is still a mound of clothing waiting to be washed? How can two people wear so many clothes? I have a work outfit and a home outfit (which can either be jeans and a tee for going out, or comfy pants and a tee for staying in). I don't wash things that aren't dirty. I just don't understand how it happens.

This weekend went by a lot faster than I wanted. Friday night, Jenn and I had a great night out. We did girl things and stayed out "late" talking the night away at Starbucks. (Late for us is 11 since both of us are usually fast asleep by 10 most nights). I have found such a great friend in her and it is going to be TOUGH when she leaves me in a few months. But -- I'm not going to think about that now.

My studly man and I spent the weekend running errands and being lazy on the couch. It was much fun, and went by too fast as usual. Here we are on Monday morning again and I can't wait for 5 to be here so I can cuddle with him on the couch again. You must be thinking that we're pathetic - and you may be right - but this is pure heaven to me.

2006-01-15T05:36:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've sat down to update this thing, so I'm taking the opportunity now while the house is empty and clean.

The last few months have been utterly exhausting. Between the car accident and the event that followed, the move, Christmas shopping, Christmas parties, home to Detroit for the Holidays, and work we've had no time to sit and relax. However, with the help of Jacob and Shane, we managed to plan a "Guys Weekend" for the boys back at the farm to surprise Patrick. He arrived Thursday night and will be home later today. I wanted to do something special for him since he took such good care of me during the miscarriage, and since his best friends are all in Michigan, this was the perfect way for him to relax.

I took some time to relax and pamper myself this weekend, too, so I wasn't completely alone. I went to dinner and a movie with Jenn and Jen on Friday (saw "Rumor Has It" - pretty cute). Yesterday I treated myself to a manicure and a new haircut, which turned out great (and I pray that I can recreate the same style today!), went shopping and found some GREAT deals on new clothes for myself. Last night I went with the Dawsons and their families for a bowling party for Ryan, and I picked up sushi on the way home to enjoy on the couch. Today I'm finishing the laundry and meeting Chris and Lindsay for football at McFaddens. So, see, I'm not completely lonely!

This past week was a big one for me at work. After 2 months of studying and passing various modules, I have become an Accredited Customer Service Representative. This designation took hours and hours of study time and gives me a title to boast about. Thankfully, I can take this with me when we move and it will help me incredibly when getting my next job.

That's pretty much it for now. Patrick will be home later and I'm sure he'll be exhausted since he and the boys did nothing but party this weekend, but it's all worth it just to see him smile.

Obsessive

2006-01-04T11:32:00.000-08:00

Have you ever become so obsessed with one certain thing in your life that you can't seem to get out from under it? On top of being impatient I have discovered recently that when I find one certain thing to fixate on, I literally become obsessed with it until it is resolved.

Take, for instance, my inability to cope with my toe nails being uneven. Seriously. If I see or feel that one side of my toe nail is higher or lower than the other I will pick at it until I have either a) given myself an ingrown toenail or b) end up cutting too much of the nail off and then have to cut the rest of my nails because they won't look right. See...this is obsessive behavior.

This type of fault runs in my family, too. For example, my sister used to sit on the sink for hours in front of the mirror so that she could pluck her eyebrows. The girl didn't just do it once in a while, she did this every day. She was so obsessed that she ended up with the thinnest line of eyebrow you had ever seen. See again...obsessive behavior.

It's apparent that in life we must learn to let things go that are not of importance, but sometimes it's hard to not obsess over the things that seem most important to you. Like the thought of the weekend coming. ;)

Recent Events...

2006-01-02T05:35:00.000-08:00

Patrick and Cameron

Us and The Colliaus

ALMOST all my cousins...but not quite...

Me and Cameron

Trying to remember "Cat's Cradle" with my sister

Christmas Morning

Impatience

2005-12-28T08:53:00.001-08:00

I have come to the realization that I am quite possibly the most impatient person on the face of the planet. I can't get through sitting at a red light to turn left (stupidest thing here in Virginia) without huffing and puffing at least once. I can't get through standing in the "express" checkout line (and I use that term very loosely) without shifting my weight and rolling my eyes within the first 3 minutes. I have resorted to swearing and gritting my teeth every time I'm stuck behind someone slow on the interstate.

I don't know how this condition came about, or how long I've been this way, but no matter how hard I try I can't seem to fight it. I think it began in New York where there was a two lane highway in and out of the Hamptons and the roads were cluttered with "citidiots" from May 1 - November 1 every year. A normal hour drive to get to Wal-mart would span about two hours during those months. Our favorite hometown delis and restaurants would be overpacked with rude city people who expected you to bow to them because of their vast wealth. Working in Customer Service was enough to cause an ulcer (which it did) with the rude way people spoke to you.

"Patience is a virtue" is how the old saying goes, but I think that virtue managed to pass me up. Sometimes waiting is pure agony, other times its just an incovenience. At this point in time it's agonizing to wait for anything.

I wonder if there's a pill for this condition? Seems as if there's a pill for everything these days...

Christmas Traditions

2005-12-15T08:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I received an email "survey" from Shannon where all of the questions were regarding the holidays. I am one of those nerds who loves to fill them out and forward them on regardless of who likes them and who hates them, which is probably why the answer to everyone's "Who is most likely to respond?" is always "Leah".

Nonetheless, I enjoyed this particular survey because it kicked my Christmas spirit in gear. I listed my favorite tradition as us waking Mom and Dad up at the butt crack of dawn, and holding hands, eyes closed, to go out to our stockings. However, when I read Mom's answers, I was reminded of the tradition that trumps my answer. The tradition of Dad reading "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" on Christmas Eve.

I don't know how or when this tradition started, but every year after we left the Labadie gathering, we would all pile on Dad's lap in the Big Red Chair while he read the story of Santa's visit. I never knew it during my childhood, but most every year during the reading, my father was tore up from the floor up. We never noticed the slurred words or the mistakes in the story, it was enough for us kids to just be there in the moment enjoying family time. There were years when Moe would stay with us and she'd be squeezed up there, too. Even as the "little" kids got bigger, we'd all sit there, and Mom would pray that the arms of the chair would not break off.

During Christmas break in my first year of college was the first year we heard the story after Dad became sober. He fought his demons earlier that year and quit drinking, and that was present enough for all of us. I will never forget being 18 years old, in college, and anxiously waiting for him to read that story to us. The story never changed from year to year, but that year was special. He did his best "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!", and it was as sweet as music.

A few years later, I was a married woman and the tradition continued on without me, until Dad passed away. Being across the country, Patrick and I had to start our own Christmas Eve traditions which have included a romantic dinner at home prepared by Patrick (Chicken Marsala has been on the menu a few times)a bottle of champagne, and if he has anything to say about it, opening presents.

Christmas at home will be hard this year because it will be my first at home, without my Daddy there. It's been easy to *not* deal with the holidays and him being gone since we've not been around, but this year will be a hard one. I will be surrounded by extended family and close friends, but nothing will fill the void of not having Christmas Eve readings on Daddy's lap.

2005-12-14T17:56:00.000-08:00

Gosh, I'm a lucky girl to get to wake up next to him for the rest of my life. ;)

I'll be home for the holidays

2005-12-13T08:54:00.000-08:00

T-minus 4 days and counting...

Somewhere around 9 am Saturday morning we will be stuffed to the brim with luggage, making our merry way to D-town for Christmas. Hopefully the sound of Christmas music will drown out the annoying whines of the dog, who can't stand to be in the back seat while we're up front. If the weather holds out, we'll arrive in Hudson, OH Saturday evening to spend the night and pick up Grammy, and we'll arrive in good ol' Detroit on Sunday morning.

Going home is always fun, but remarkably stressful at the same time. Everyone expects you to come and see them, spend time with them, while you're there. For years we've split up the minute we get into town so Patrick could spend time with his Mom and I could spend time with mine. We thought, at the time, that this was the easiest way to deal with our situations...but we have found that to be wrong. So, this time, we will be sticking together and trying to spend equal time with families and friends and it ain't gonna be easy. We should have been doing this all along, but you live and you learn. This is our vacation and holiday and I hate the fact that we always miss out on spending time with each other.

On a lighter note, it turns out that Uncle Pat, Aunt Neil, Uncle Marty, Aunt Cheryl, Emily Jade and Ian Lawrence will be in town for Christmas this year, too, as well as Aunt Kathy, Uncle Tom, Bridget, Moe-Moe and Colleen. It'll be the first time we'll be together in a very long time. The only people who won't be there (that I know of) are Stick and Amy, and Tommy. So, the Labadie clan will be in (almost) full force this year. I'm beyond excited.

This trip should be fun, and I can't wait to see the look on Cameron's face when he opens his gifts!

More pictures...

2005-12-12T12:07:00.000-08:00

I love playing around with the photo editors...

Shop till ya drop...

2005-12-12T05:23:00.000-08:00

Reposted - Monday December 12, 2005

Today turned out to be the best day I've had in quite a while. With the stresses of the last month, miscarriage and moving included, I've felt rundown, sad and tired. All of these are to be expected; however, nothing seemed to get my spirits up and keep them there.

This morning, I took and passed the 3rd module in the Accredited Customer Service Representative designation I've been working towards. The best part was that I passed it with a 90%! I swore I was going to bomb this test, but apparently my study skills have improved since college -- that and I know my job better than I thought I did. Two more tests and I'm designated! :)

Then, to top the day off, we won the Travelers Sales promotion and each of us got $200 in gift cards to spend at the mall -- and two hours off to do it! Talk about shopping till you drop! My kicks were on fire, but I got a lot done. I picked up gifts for Mom, Cameron, Sandy, Grandpa and Dora, McKynzi, Doug and Patrick. I am a sales fiend! Most of those are gifts I wouldn't have been able to afford otherwise, considering the fact that we're "move poor" right now. There is NOTHING like free money and Christmas shopping. I'm so excited, I may give Patrick his gifts early!

To end the night, we get to go have dinner with Roger and Tasha, and we get to see their beautiful kids -- newest included! I've desperately needed a day like this, and feel like things will be turning up now.

The best part is that there's only a week until I'm home - and almost all my cousins, aunts and uncles will be there!

More friends...

2005-12-08T12:11:00.000-08:00

A few friends...

2005-12-08T12:02:00.000-08:00

Coast Guard Party...more to come when the computer gets hooked up!

Let the moving begin...

2005-12-01T03:49:00.000-08:00

Today is December 1 - and it's our official move-in day!! We have been surrounded by boxes for weeks and today is the day they begin to vacate the premises. I have never been so excited to move myself. We are both going to need massages next week, but it'll be worth it.

I can't wait to get into the new place and make it a temporary "home". The only thing I don't like about it is the ugly wallpaper in the kitchen, but what can ya do?

Cody Coppo is ecstatic to have a least a small patch of backyard -- and his parents are super excited to not have to take him out 5x a day.

WOO HOO! Let's get this going!

Thanksgiving

2005-11-29T03:42:00.000-08:00

Friends

2005-11-23T07:49:00.000-08:00

In a time when you need them most, friends always come through. I finally got to sit down and talk to Ava last night about everything that's happened recently. She suffered a miscarriage earlier this year and it was nice to know that what I'm feeling right now is normal. The good news is that she is now 4 months pregnant and doing a-okay, so that gives us some hope.

It's sad that we can relate to such a horrible experience, since I wouldn't wish this on even my worst enemy. Every day is a new day and while it still sucks to feel like this, time does heal the wounds. There are times during the day that I'll get lost in thought and need to shake myself out of it. I don't want to let this go, but I don't want to dwell on it either. I don't want to wake up 3 years from now and realize that I'm not over it and it's affected my whole life.

I know it's hard for someone who has never been pregnant to comprehend, but I felt an instant connection with that little life inside me. I would have done anything to protect it. Now, as Kim put it, that baby is up in heaven with our Dad's and they are giving it the best care imaginable. That's the image I'll keep in my heart to get me through this.

Empty

2005-11-19T11:12:00.000-08:00

It has taken me a while to sit down and be able to write this. I don't know why because writing is usually my release, my therapy, but somehow writing about this solidifies the fact that it's real. Even now I'm having a difficult time forming the words in my head.

There's no easy way to write it, or say it for that matter, and although it's been a week it's still hard to grasp. We went from total elation and tremendous joy to devastation -- and now there's emptiness. Last week, I lost our baby. I had a miscarriage that started after a traffic accident and completed itself last weekend. "Spontaneous Abortion" is the medical term and it's what the ER doctor kept calling it - but that term makes my skin crawl. The last thing you want to hear when you're coping with the loss of a pregnancy, under NO fault of your own, is that word. The word "abortion" is synonymous with teenage girls who aren't careful when they have sex and rush out after missing their period to get rid of an unwanted pregnancy. This wasn't an unwanted pregnancy -- this child was loved even before it was conceived. This child had parents who cried with joy when they found out the news. This child had parents who planned for this time in their lives carefully. This child was no accident, it was the result of two people who love each other so deeply that they wanted to share their love with a person they created together.

I found out the news on Halloween of all days, and it was a day that Patrick was on duty. Actually, I had taken my first test the day before, but with my immense impatience I threw the test away after only seeing the Control line -- even though the test wasn't finished yet. 20 minutes later, in the trash, there was a 2nd line. I didn't want to let Patrick in on the possibility and decided to pick up another test on the way home from work the next day. So, there I was, alone on Halloween staring at the big fat positive on the test in front of me with tears of happiness streaming down my cheeks.

I ran out and got another brand of test to make sure the news was absolutely certain before I told Patrick. I knew he wanted to be surprised, and I had the plan concocted in my brain of how I was going to tell him and I didn't want to ruin it. The digital test I bought said "Not Pregnant" and I about fell on the floor. I panicked and spent the rest of the night wondering which one was right. The next morning, before work, I took 2 more tests and both said I was pregnant. Just for good measure, I took another test that night before meeting Patrick for dinner, and again it was positive. I only had once chance in my life to tell him I was pregnant for the first time and I didn't want to mess it up by being wrong.

I told him we were pregnant by getting him some presents as "motivation" for the advancement test he was taking two days later. The first was a box of POPtarts. The second was SugarBABIES and SugarDADDIES. The third was "Hop on POP" by Dr. Seuss. The fourth was an "I love my Daddy" bib rolled up with 3 of the tests inside. He had it at the candy, but knew for sure at the book. We both sat there in Cheeseburger in Paradise and cried and giggled like school kids. We had done it and we knew the next nine months would be agony as we waited to meet the little person we created.

However, the agony of impatience would soon turn into the agony of physical and emotional pain, as a week later I was rear ended on my way to work. I instantly thought of the baby and what could happen. I was told at the ER that I was too early to montior and if something is going to happen "it's going to happen". The very next day, I started spotting and ended up back in the ER. They called it a "Threatened Miscarriage" that night, but they had seen the gestational sac and sent me home to rest. The days dragged as we wondered what was happening with this little life inside as I kept spotting from Tuesday until Saturday. We kept hope that this was only a fluke and the pregnancy would last and I would be big and fat in July. On that Saturday, less than 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I was bleeding and cramping and ended back in the ER, where it was confirmed through tests and ultrasounds that I had, in fact, lost the baby.

The pain is tremendous. I thought at first that I would be able to brush this off and get back to life, but it's proving to be more difficult than I imagined. I can't go a few hours without thinking about how I should be having morning sickness and eating for two right now, but instead I sit here empty. We are both empty. Phsyically and emotionally.

Life will go on as it always does. The world does not stop turning because we are grief-stricken (a fact we both know all too well in our lives). We pick up and move on, but a part of us will forever be empty because of this loss.

Calm...

2005-11-02T06:16:00.000-08:00

Do you ever just wake up one day and realize that everything in life is great -- and a wave of calmness comes over you? It's a great feeling...you should try it.

Not meant to be...

2005-10-22T19:42:00.000-07:00

We found out this afternoon that another family's offer was accepted over ours for the house. We ended up being one of seven offers and were in the top two today. The other family offered more "guarantee over appraisal" than we did by $1200. I was not willing to make us scrape by and personally find the whole thing unfair. We offered MORE than asking price and then had to offer CASH to the seller on top of that. We could have said more than we did but it would have meant bread and water for the next 4 months and I wasn't willing to do that.

Despite saying I wouldn't be upset, I am. Being the eternal pessimest has never failed me before and it has always protected my heart from major breakage. I should never have gotten my hopes up because now I feel like we'll never find another home like it. Oh well...we march on. Maybe to our own home, maybe to a rental home...who knows. All I know is that I don't think my heart (or my nervous stomach) can take this again.

Dream House!

2005-10-21T03:40:00.000-07:00

The listing popped up on our email Wednesday night and we barely thought twice about it. Both of us figured we were never going to find anything after striking out time after time. After being stood up (and lied to) for seeing a rental, we called our realtor to see if we could at least see the place even if we ended up not liking it.

As we pulled up to the townhouse, there were already 2 people waiting to look at the place ahead of us. Catherine, our realtor, came along and we waited patiently for our turn. As we stood there in the parking lot another gentleman pulled up and joined us in line. He was in the Air Force and was only looking for an investment property to rent out. He asked if we wanted the same from the home and we said "No, this is our first time buying a home." I felt a wave of nausea come over me when Catherine said this home already had two contracts on it.

Finally, our turn came to go in and I put my guard up just knowing I wouldn't like it. I immediately found out I was wrong. This was the home of our dreams. Catherdal ceilings in the great room, a fireplace with a cubby for the TV above it. Big picture windows, clean white walls. The dining room was the perfect size and it was next to an enormous kitchen with lots of counter space, even more cupboards and a pantry to boot. 1400 square feet of pure luxury.

The guest bedroom was in the back of the house and was bigger than our room here. A door to the backyard was in this room and we stepped out onto a huge deck - complete with hot tub. The yard was grass and MUCH larger than any of the other yards we'd seen, and it was the perfect place for Cody to run around. At this point I'm practically crying because I know in my heart that this is where I want to live.

We ventured upstairs where an open space loft greeted us before entering the master bedroom. It was the perfect place to set up an office and not have to use one of the bedrooms to do so. Patrick almost didn't let me in the master bedroom because he KNEW I'd start crying then. The room was spacious with two closets, a double sink vanity and the shower and toilet off on their own. There was even a linen closet, which we do not even have here. I could live in that bedroom and never emerge. Guests would have to come and visit me in my suite. It felt like I was in a dream.

We left there knowing that this was what we wanted, and offered $5K over the asking price -- which you have to do here if you want anything. Catherine enclosed a letter with our offer about how badly we wanted this home to be ours and tugged at their heartstrings by offering that we were a military family (the owners were too). We were the 5th contract at 8:00 last night and it seems as if we have pretty good shot, so this is where the prayers kick in. We know that God has a hand in this and everything happens according to His plan. If it was meant to be, it will happen. If not, we're okay with that.

I tossed and turned and barely slept a wink last night. I can hardly even shove breakfast down my throat because I'm nauseous just thinking about it. We should know something today, so until then I'll be the wreck sitting at her desk.

Praying hard...

Half Day

2005-10-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

I can hardly keep up with this thing anymore. It seems that life has become even too busy to sit down and write.

The bosses at work gave Personal Lines each 1 half day off free, and today I'm using mine. Patrick took the day off so that we can spend it together. We're having lunch at Cheeseburger in Paradise, then we're headed to look at a townhouse. After that we're hitting the gym, then Weight Watchers and then home to eat dinner. I love spending time with him even if it's running around like chickens with our heads cut off.

I've been working on a huge account at work, and by the sounds of it, I may get the deal. If I do, I will have contributed appx $20K to our bottom line this month alone! It's been a stressful couple of days getting everything together, and I'm not done yet. I'll use my whole morning to work on the rest of this. I hate doing sales and new business, but if I can keep getting clients like this, I don't mind it!

Patrick got his marks at work yesterday and they gave him two 7's (the highest you can receive)! He will get commendations to go in his record and the best part is that his spirits were totally uplifted by the fact that his boss really takes the time to evaluate people and not just write down a bunch of numbers. He has worked so hard and according to his superiors is "way beyond his pay grade". (Nice compliment, believe me!). So, we'll celebrate this weekend and have a great time.

2005-10-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

This week started out promising and has continued to look up. On Monday, I was given my first raise at my job! My boss gave me nothing but praises and complimented me on my work ethic, my ability to start something and follow through, and the way I handle my clients. It was a great relief and much appreciated recognition. Gotta love more money!

Bring on the stress..

2005-10-07T06:57:00.000-07:00

I am going to need to buy a case of Pepto and carry a bottle around with me constantly. Patrick and I decided that we are going to buy a house. We aren't the first people to buy a house, and we won't be the last, but holy cow...this is stressful. We have been preapproved for a mortgage and found out our credit has VASTLY improved over the last few years, which was a huge relief. We will not be overextending ourselves and relying on my salary to pay the mortgage, so we are going to stay a little cheaper than anticipated. I feel that's good because we can then use my money to make improvements and up the value of whatever we buy. The housing market is so hot down here that homes bought for $80K last year are now selling for $125K this year. We want to get in while the getting is good.

We're sticking with the condo/townhome idea and it seems to be working out well. Patrick has an appointment to see a place today while I'm at work. The sellers didn't want to show last night because they had just sat down for dinner. Understandable, but disappointing. As Sarah pointed out, they knew they'd sell the house in a snap either way so they can relax and turn some people down. 3 of the homes we were going to look at last night already had contracts on them. 1 had just been listed that day, and the other two were the day before.

I don't know how we're supposed to make a concious decision about a place if we can't "think" about it. The problem is if we like it, we gotta put an offer in that day. That's a little stressful to me, but if it will get us out of renting our stupid apartment, we'll make an offer.

Happy Friday!

Whole again...

2005-09-30T22:46:00.000-07:00

Patrick FINALLY came home on Tuesday night. What a relief to hear him on the phone saying "You'd better be in Richmond at 6:04 tonight to pick me up!" -- and you bet your happy ass I was there with bells on. We both took the day off on Wednesday and spent it together hanging out. We got up and dropped the dog off for his bath, then drove to the college to drop off my various paperwork and applications for next semester, then we shopped and had lunch. It was a perfect day -- the only care we had was being with each other.

Despite the cold treatment of the admissions person at the college, I was ecstatic to have finally got the ball rolling on this. No one could have brought me down as I proudly handed over the explanation of my scholastic career (short as it was) because I finally took that step! Now, to just stay motivated all the way through...that will be the next accomplishment!

Tonight I had dinner with Jenn and Cassie at Applebee's and then we hauled ass to Garden Ridge in Chesapeake to find stuff for Jenn's room. It was nice to get out of the house, especially because Patrick had duty tonight. I'm sticking to WW hard right now because I gained back another pound and am scarily close to my goal weight again, so Applebee's was a great choice because of their WW menu! After the 1 point Carrot Cake I just ate, I am at my Points Target for today and am taking my butt to bed.

Sleeping weather should be nice since it's in the 50's this evening. Tomorrow we're headed to Virginia Beach for the Neptune Festival and the weather should continue to cooperate. I am so happy Fall finally decided to show her face in Hampton Roads.

Not Your Average Party Girl

2005-09-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been pretty boring, despite my apparent breakdown on Friday (see below). I hit Wally World yesterday morning, bought crap & got the oil changed on my car. The Code-ster and I sat around watching Lifetime movies all day and on the commercials I'd run and clean out the closet. I feel much better having gotten it done especially because I've been procrastating for weeks. (I still have yet to file away all the paperwork in the office, but at least we know where it is). I got take out last night and spent another lonely evening with the dog. I think Cody is tired of me talking to him, because now he's just flat out ignoring me. I call his name and I swear he goes into the other room so as to avoid yet another one sided conversation with "crazy woman".

Today was a pretty productive day. The "Forty Days of Purpose" campaign started at church this morning, and I found myself there alone...but I did surprisingly well with it. I believe that there was a reason for Patrick to have been gone so that I would *have* to be faced with taking this first step on my own. I went because I wanted to and not because he wanted me to be there. Our small discussion group is comprised of 3 guys from the softball team that we already knew, so my comfort level automatically increased. I signed the contract to stay committed to this, and I will. I need to find the purpose of me being on this earth -- and I'm convinced it wasn't to sell insurance.

I finished the housework today and rewarded myself by going out to have sushi with Chris, Lindsay and Erin. It was great to get out of the house and have adult interaction...moreso, it was nice to have someone reciprocate the conversaion. Cody has not mastered the English language as yet. They talked about their night out on Friday and how everyone was "wasted". I'm glad I missed out on that one, to be honest.

I've never been a party girl, though I made a few half-assed attempts at it in college. I don't like losing control of my actions and my mouth because I felt like being drunk. I don't like having a hangover, wasting a whole day feeling sick and not being able to remember the night before. I feel like a three headed monster when all the people we know say "Oh man...I was so wasted last night" because I don't get it. Once in a great while, I'll get drunk...but I'm not out to do it every weekend, especially since I come from a long line of alcoholics. I mean, I'm talking Great Wall of China long. I refuse to be a recovering alcoholic someday, or worse...never be in recovery. So, I'll sit my happy ass at home and miss out on all the "fun" and be content with my life the way it is.

The Ghost Whisperer

2005-09-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

While aimlessly flipping through the channels tonight, I came across the tail end of the new show "The Ghost Whisperer" starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. I have heard about this show in the previous weeks, but didn't count it to be one of the shows I'd be watching this season. However, between "Showgirls" and "Kill Reality", I figured this was a better way to spend a few minutes.

The basis of the show, apparently, is that Jennifer can speak to ghosts and relay their messages to those of us left behind. As I sat on my couch on the verge of tears, I wondered how simple life would be if there was really a way for someone to carry messages from the ones in our lives that we can no longer see or hear. I know that I can feel my Dad in my heart, but I would give anything to talk to him again. I would give anything to even listen to his ramblings about the government or how Clinton is still interfering even after he left office. There are so many things in my life that are so incomplete without him here, but how wonderful it would be for me to have a messenger who could relay his advice. Now that I think about it, I don't even know what I would tell him if I got the chance to have someone talk to him for me. The only thing I can come up with is how much I love him and miss him, and how empty we all are without him here. I don't think anything else matters.

I can still hardly believe that almost 4 years have gone by and the wounds are as deep now as they were that day. There are days that I sit here listening to his CD and I think that even 20 years from now I will be feeling like this. How do you recover from losing your Daddy? How do you get over the fact that he'll never be there to give you advice again? How can you face the monumental moments in your life without him there to cheer you on?? Sometimes I still wonder why God felt his time here was done, because I still need him, damned. Even now...4 damn years later...I still need him. I know it's selfish and I should be way past this now, but FUCK! Nothing has been the same since he left -- and it's not fair. It's not fair that my brother has grown up in the most important years of his life without his father. It's not fair that he'll graduate high school this year and not have his Dad in the audience cheering him on. It's not fair that my sister will not have her father to walk her down the aisle on the day she gets married. It's not fair that my Mother is an experienced widow at 48 and the man she loved the most in her life was ripped away from her. It's not fair that my kids will never know their grandfather.

And all I can think of at this moment is that HE was the one who taught me that life isn't fair...how ironic.

2005-09-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

Here we are - another Monday. Why is it that when Patrick is home, the weekends fly by so fast, but when he's away they drag on forever? I tried to keep myself busy this weekend and managed to succed, but time still dragged on.

Friday I spent the evening at home with the dog. We rented movies and curled up on the couch all night. Saturday, Vanessa invited Cody and me to a football game. Despite the 100+ degree weather, it was fun to be out. Cody loved the kids and thought they were all put on this earth to pet and love him. Saturday night, Jenn and I had a "Our Men Are Gone" girls date. Had Italian at Carrabba's and saw "Just Like Heaven". Sunday was church and Jason & Angela invited Cody and myself over for dinner -- which turned out to be a PRE-Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey, stuffing, mashed taters...the works! It was great!

Patrick reports that he's not doing much down in the Gulf Coast, which is disappointing because I know how much he wanted to get down there and help; however, they are using him sparingly, which creates a lot of free time for him. My thoughts are if he's got nothing to do down there, send him home -- which he agrees with. It really is pointless for him to be there when all he's doing is working 6 hours a day, seeing maybe 2 patients during that time, and the rest of his day is spent reading his book. No one prepared him for this time spent down there, and we're both starting to get aggitated.

I walked into a wall of heat this afternoon when I got home from work. The air conditioner broke and was blowing hot air into the apartment. Since they close the office about the same time I get home, I couldn't get maintenance up here to fix it. So, Cody and I will be forced to sleep on top of the covers and we'll have to listen to the sounds of the crickets -- which just about kills me.

2005-09-16T07:01:00.000-07:00

Patrick left yesterday morning out of Richmond to get to Mobile, Alabama. As anticipated, it was very last minute; however, we never thought they would send him out while we were on a Hurricane Watch. We escaped the wratch of Ophelia, thankfully, so it wasn't as traumatic as I thought.

Patrick arrived safely in Mobile with basically no direction on what was going on. They told him he'd find everything out when he got there, but the only thing he knew as of last night was where he'd be staying. He finds out early this morning whether they are moving him or James to a Port Security Unit in Gulfport. So, one of them is going and the other is staying in Mobile. The orders drawn up are for 30 days, and while we were told that it could be shorter than that, we are *not* counting on it.

It must've been announced at work as to why I wasn't there yesterday morning because everyone came over to ask how I was doing. Then some made comments like "Well, you all needed a break from each other anyway, right?". Um, no. See, besides the fact that he just got back from being in California, I actually *like* being with my husband. Shocker, I know, but I married him because I wanted to spend my life with him - not be away from him. We've spent half of this marriage apart and suffice it to say, I don't enjoy him being gone in the least.

In other "news", last night I proudly sat in the chair at the nail salon and had my acrylic nails removed -- and for the first time in 8 years, my nails were NEKKID! It hurt like a mother effer, but I am glad to have had it done.

This weekend, I'll be hitting up the mall for some retail therapy, and having a girls night with Jenn and some friends. Gotta keep busy on the weekends so time flies by.

And so it goes...

2005-09-12T09:57:00.000-07:00

I just get him back, and now I've learned that Patrick will leave as early as tomorrow to help with the Katrina relief efforts for the next 2+ weeks. We're on stand-by to hear when he's going, but it'll pretty much be last
minute anyway. He'll get the "Go home and get your stuff" message and then he'll be gone. It's open ended, and we have no idea when he's coming home, so this should be fun. (Insert sarcasam here).

Lindsay tells me that Chris and Angela are down there and go everywhere with an armed guard, and are wearing bulletproof vests. I don't know if that was supposed to make me feel better or not. Somehow, it doesn't.

The Coast Guard Spouse motto: Semper Gumby - Always Flexible.

Friday...

2005-09-09T07:43:00.000-07:00

Alas, Friday is *finally* here. This has felt like the longest, short work week of my life. Yesterday was so bad that I ended up crying at my desk after the 85th phone call with one certain client. I am broken and beaten, my heart and soul can't take this line of work anymore. If that's not a good enough reason to get my degree, I don't know what is.

Life Changes...

2005-09-08T07:03:00.000-07:00

This week, I've had the opportunity to sit by myself and reflect on my life a little bit. While on the phone with Tanya the other night, I actually listened to the words...no, EXCUSES...coming out of my mouth as to why I haven't finished my Bachelor's yet. The next day, I dragged myself into work to do a job I don't like. It was then that I realized I didn't *have* to have a job that I have to drag myself to. If I took control of my life, went and got my degree and did something I enjoyed, I would be happier all the way around.

I am ashamed to say that I wasted 2 years in college, trying too hard to be a girlfriend and not a student. No one is to blame but myself. And now, eight years after I started my first college class, I'm ready to be the student I never was.

I will be attending Thomas Nelson Community College to "fix" my mistakes at Eastern and will then transfer to Christoper Newport University next fall to get a degree in Social Work. I know in my heart that this is my calling, and I believe that this what God intended for me to be doing with my life. It will be a long road ahead of full time work and part time school, but I have a supportive husband who will do anything to help me get to where I want to be. Without him, I don't know where I'd be right now.

I have to turn all of my Michigan ties over to Virginia, including my license, in order to get the In State tuition (savings of $160 per credit hour alone at the community college)...but I will always be a Michigander, and never a Southerner! I have appointments with college admissions people to make sure I do this effeciently, and not take the long road! Soon, I will be a student again.

I feel a great weight lifted from my shoulders. I've always been ashamed that I never finished my degree, and I don't have to feel that way anymore. And now that I've put it out there for others to read...there's no going back on it.

1 Year Ago Today...

2005-09-06T07:07:00.000-07:00

On September 6, 2004, I stood in line with 250 other people for a chance to win a car. In a million years, I never dreamed that I would be the one who would drive off with a brand spanking new car, but somehow dreams come true!

After picking a CD off a table, and having 129 people try ahead of me, I placed my chosen CD in the player and waited to hear if I was the winner. The same upbeat music that had played 129 times before played for me saying "101.7 The Beach's 101 Days of Summer contest" naming sponsors and the like. Then, the music was silent, and on the CD you heard the car trying to start...trying to start again...and then the engine revved!!!! I looked to my right and the DJ's eyes were as big as saucers as he said "YOU WON!!". No FREAKING WAY did I just win a CAR!!!!

I cried and cried with my friends standing around me, my heart was pounding and I could barely breathe. I was the owner of a brand new 2004 Hyundai Santa Fe, and I didn't have a damn car payment!

As long as I live, I will never forget that day. I drive that car around even now, a year later, and still can't believe I had the luck to win. The newspaper clippings hang on the fridge and I never let a day go by without thanking God for blessing us when we needed it!

I WON A CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Long weekend...

2005-09-05T13:59:00.000-07:00

I finally forced myself away from the Katrina coverage and treated myself to trashy TV all weekend. I feel a little more human after watching "Dirty Dancing" and some MTV trash reality shows. Mindnumbing TV can have a positive effect when you're caught in a rut and don't want to think, or cry, anymore.

I dropped Patrick off at the airport a few hours ago and will be counting the days until I go back to get him. 5 to be exact. I said to him over and over again that this tour is going to ruin me because having him home every night is *not* what our life will be like for the rest of our career. I was proud that I didn't cry as he walked away, but I'm still lonely already. Thank God for the housework and gossip magazines that will occupy my time; however, Saturday can't get here soon enough.

Mom tells me that something is wrong with Sarah and she won't tell her what it is. She thinks that there may be a problem with Dorian again, but Sarah won't open up. I've tried to call her again today, but she didn't answer. I hope she'll talk to me about whatever it is that's going on with her. I worry about her all the time and hate that she's not more open with me, like we used to be. Hopefully, everything is alright.

The rest of my 3 day weekend (all 9 hours of it) will be spent cleaning and doing some much needed projects around here. The windows are open in the apartment to let the much needed nice breezes in. I can't wait for fall. :)

Devastation

2005-09-02T21:34:00.000-07:00

In all my years of living on this earth I never thought I would see a worse tragedy than September 11, 2001 on our own soil. This last week has proved that theory wrong.

My emotions are running high and my sadness for this situation has weakened my faith in the human race. The men and women trying to control an out of control situation are the only ones I do put my faith in right now. God bless the Coast Guard, the National Guard, the medical workers, and the other branches of our military who are fighting to help our own citizens...including Patrick, who will be there when his school is over.

Heaven help those who turn to violence and destruction in a time despair and need, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Hurricane Katrina - August 29, 2005

Baltimore...

2005-08-31T06:57:00.000-07:00

We are now "officially" married for "over 5 years" since this weekend has past. Baltimore was amazing, but it wasn't just the city itself. We had a fantastic time relaxing and not worrying about a thing in the world. We got massages on Friday, sat in the hot tub at the hotel and went to dinner at Legal Sea Foods. What a way to celebrate an anniversary. There is no one in this world that I would rather spend my time with than that handsome man right there.

I wish life was as uncomplicated everyday as it was this past weekend. We stayed up late, slept in, ate where we wanted to, shopped without thinking about money (well, a twinge inside me did!), we had NO real plans and just winged it.

We're back to reality since Monday, but I wish the weekend could have lasted forever. The good part is, that everyday with Patrick is just as wonderful even if we're sitting at home on the couch.

5 YEARS!!!!

2005-08-26T08:16:00.000-07:00

"For hearing my thoughts, understanding my dreams, and for being my best friend. For filling my life with joy, and loving me without end...I do."

Christmas 2001

June 2002

Cruise 2004

Boston 2004

December 2004

Blast from the past...

2005-08-25T06:57:00.000-07:00

While in the middle of my morning routine on Tuesday, Mom called me to inform me that she had received a message for me on her machine the night before. I wondered to myself who in the heck would be calling my Mom for me, seeing as how it's been 5 years since I lived there. She says "It was Korynne, and she'd like to get in touch with you." Talk about a blast from the past. I hadn't heard that name in about 7 or 8 years.

I finally had the opportunity to call her last night and we had a brief, yet informative conversation. Turns out we both work in Insurance; however, she has her Life & Health and is going for her P&C, and I have my P&C. While she doesn't keep in touch with anyone from high school, she is still friends with Geneise. I told her the only people I've kept in decent contact from school were Brian and Maria at this point. She brought up Cindy and said she had spoken to her a few years back, but lost touch just as quickly as they got together. I told her I had spoken with her about 6 years ago, but the same happened to me.

It was nice to catch up with her, and she sounded happy. She was surprised to hear that I was married, and asked the inevetiable "So, do you have any kids?". She was busy helping friends, so she said she would call back another time.

Today, we have a meeting with the claims supervisor at Travelers and then they're taking us out to lunch. I *love* being the person Marketing Reps try to cater to, I end up getting a ton of free stuff from them. :) Makes work worthwhile. Tomorrow we leave for Baltimore and it will be a much needed break from reality. Can't wait to get there and relax with my favorite man.

Me and my favorite little girl on Sunday:

Still tired...

2005-08-22T06:58:00.000-07:00

I was half tempted to turn off my alarm and call in this morning so that I could sleep a little longer and spend the day by the pool. However, I have this stupid thing called a conscience that would never allow me to do that without reason.

The weekend was nice. Nothing exciting to report. We had BBQ'd pizza on Friday and went shopping for Diddy's new clothes with his birfday gift card. I was extremely excited that I tried on, fit into comfortably, and bought my first pair of size 4 jeans. Sarah swears I wore a size 4 in high school, but chose to be frumpy and wear clothes 3 sizes too big for me. Did I mention that I love the Gap?

Saturday night was date night. We had Patricks BBQ'd ribs, which I swear somehow is an afrodesiac cause they're that damn good, and went to see "Four Brothers". Doug highly recommended this movie, and I can honestly say that he did NOT let us down. It was the BEST movie I have seen in a *very* long time. I now consider it to be one of my favorites. I have not held my breath so much during a movie in my entire life. It was truly great.

Yesterday I went out to the mall and had dinner with Diddy at the clinic since he was on duty. I hate being in this house alone at night. In East Hampton, there is no crime, etc, so it was easy there. Here, I swear people are trying to break in at night. I may need to take sleeping pills when he's gone now or I'm never going to sleep.

Back to the grindstone. Happy Monday...

ESP - or something...

2005-08-19T07:02:00.000-07:00

Is it possible that after being together so long, you and your significant other can actually read each others minds?

The other night we were sitting on the couch after I had the best day and Patrick had the worst. We had just finished eating BBQ'd chicken, and the only way I could think to celebrate/make a bad day good was going to Cold Stone for some ice cream. Just as that thought crossed my mind, Patrick says "You wanna go to Cold Stone to celebrate?". Coincidence? Maybe.

Yesterday, Jacob FINALLY sends me pictures from their wedding. I forward them along to Diddy (Patrick PDiddy, not Sean "PuffDaddyPDiddyDiddy") so he could see. When I get home from work I asked if he had seen them, he looked shyly up at me and said "Yes, and there's something I have to tell you. I've already seen them before." I immediately get all defensive and say "I can't believe you kept those from me". He says "There's a reason. I've been working on a scrapbook for you for our anniversary". Wh-wh-what? I move from defensive mode to instant laughter because I have been working on a scrapbook for him, too. Seems as though he had the same idea at around the same time I did, and he was getting all the pictures from our friends and relatives. I showed him the receipt of the scrapbook kit I bought and told him how I spent hours going through our pictures, picking them out and putting them in sequencial order.

We got quite a laugh out of the situation, and it made us think that "somehow" we were able to read each others minds after 5 years (next Friday) of marriage. Maria recently wrote about people being psychic, and from recent events (hers and mine) I gotta believe it's somehow true.

2005-08-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday I had just about the best day in a long while. Actually, it was the biggest day of my professional career, to be exact. I had been working on a Collector Auto policy for a guy who has mega-money and some *pretty* nice cars to insure. (The words "pretty nice" are an understatement...perhaps the understatement of the year). He called yesterday to tell me that he would be taking the proposal I'd worked up for him, and thanked me for all of my hard work and excellent efforts to get this done for him. The premium for this policy is $10,000...the biggest sale that Personal Lines has had in a very long time! WOO HOO! Too bad we're on the Growth Bonus Pool now because I would have gotten a spectactular commission check for this one!

On Monday, we went to Captain George's with Ryan, Shannon and McKynzi and much to our dismay, because of our diets our stomachs shrunk and we were unable to stuff ourselves with crablegs like before. This doesn't mean to say that we didn't end up sick because of all the food we did eat...it just wasn't up to our usual par. A good time was had by all, and I just *adore* that little girl. She was so big sitting there in her high chair, she swore for a few minutes that she was an adult like the rest of us.

Our exciting life takes us to the grocery store tonight, and it's a good thing since we're in need of food in this place. This weekend will be spent at Water Country and possibly by the pool since Patrick has duty on Sunday. The weather has finally started to cool off, which is a major relief. I can't wait for fall around here.

2005-08-17T06:44:00.000-07:00

We had such a good time at home for our *very short* visit. Everyone at work kept asking me if it was worth it to drive over 20 hours in 3 days just to see family...and my answer is always yes. There's something about spending time with the people who've known you the longest, and love the dearest, that rejuvenates you. Nothing compares to seeing how excited my Mom gets when we pull up after that long drive.

I *love* spending time with Sarah and Doug. I am often reminded of how awful I was to have as a big sister growing up, but somehow all is forgiven now. My sister is so drop dead gorgeous that she makes you stop in your tracks. My brother is SO good looking it's scary. Both have grown into wonderful adults, despite my efforts to torture them as kids.

On a sad note, our new friends Jason and Angela called yesterday to ask if we could keep their German Shepard for the next couple of weeks because Angela's dad died unexpectedly. The similarities of her situation and mine are eerie. They *just* moved here a few weeks ago, and she just started her new job when she found out. It's a mirror image of me almost 4 years ago. It brought back so many memories, and I wish this kind of pain on no one. All I could tell her was that I was here for her if she needed anything, because I KNOW that no one wants to hear anything else during those moments. I just pray that they get to Texas safely, and that she has the same type of support system we had when we lost Dad. Your friends and family make the biggest difference when it comes to getting through the worst tragedies of your life.

Pictures from home...

2005-08-16T06:54:00.000-07:00

The Labadie Kids

My BEAUTIFUL Momma

Our nephew Cameron

Bear Hugs...

2005-08-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

Every morning, the first alarm goes off in our house at 5:42, alerting Patrick to get up. What the routine has been for 5 years is that I am the one who controls the alarm clock and snooze, and I am the one who forces him out of bed. I am always able to fall back asleep until my alarm goes off at 6:20, but the excitement of coming home tomorrow has got me all wound up and I couldn't fall back asleep.

Patrick and I now have a routine in the morning that is a tremendous help during the day. We stand in the middle of the room and "Bear Hug" before he leaves for work. In that moment I am relaxed and protected, and nothing in the world seems that bad. When things get rough at work, I think back to those few moments in his arms and my problems fade away. I highly recommend a "Bear Hug" to start off your day. Even if things aren't that rough and you are content with life, there's a feeling in it that no normal morning routine can compare to.

Tonight is the Kenny Chesney/Gretchen Wilson concert. I paid a pretty penny for these tickets and all that matters is that Patrick is super excited about it. I could maybe sing ONE Kenny Chesney song, but that doesn't matter. (He's got paybacks coming since this is my 3rd Country concert in 3 months.:) ) We're going tonight with the Dawsons and Shannon's sister Jaimie. It should be a lot of fun. I am so thankful that the Dawsons are back in our lives. We have had our rough moments in the last few years, but being able to overcome that is a testiment to the fact that we were destined to be friends. Nothing is better than being able to sit around with your friends and talk about life and laugh outloud.

We are all packed and ready to hit the road first thing tomorrow morning. I can't wait to get home and see my family. Even thought it's only for a few short days, it's enough to rejuvenate a person.

2005-08-10T06:59:00.000-07:00

Despite my efforts to try and make the most out of yesterday, it turned out to be a bust. However, I shook my mood off on the commute home by screaming some Limp Bizkit in the car and by the time I pulled into the parking lot I felt a lot better.

Last night we had dinner with the Dawsons at their apartment. I walked into this high ceiling, large room apartment and a twinge of jealousy came over me. :) Not that there's anything wrong with our place, but there's was just nicer. It felt like a "home" -- and that's possibly because of the fact that they have the cutest baby living there with them.

Motherhood has got to be the most rewarding thing to ever happen to a person. I saw the way that baby looked at her Mom and I saw the way she smiled at her, and it made my heart melt. Being a Mom is the single most important job in the world. There is no benefit package or pay scale that could even compare to watching your child grow.

The Cloud...

2005-08-09T06:55:00.000-07:00

As expected, yesterday was a horrible day. 2 of us to do 5 people's jobs. My phone rang off the hook, and it seemed as if the second I would get up out of my chair to do something there was some sort of sensor that would go off alerting everyone that it was at that exact moment that they needed to call me. I could barely get my ass to the bathroom.

Then, I came home to call Mom to discuss our arrival on Friday, thinking this might bring me out of my funk, and we end up in a fight. I even threatened not to come home if she didn't stop taking HER bad day out on me. Real mature. How old am I? 3??

So, I go to make dinner because Patrick was playing golf and lo and behold - we have no flour, a key ingredient in Buffalo Chicken Bites. You would have thought the world had stopped turning as I made my way to the store half in tears.

The worst part of it all is that I took it out on Patrick. I am an over emotional mess these last few days. I don't know WHAT my problem is. I can't seem to shake this cloud I'm under. I managed to make a mountain out of a molehill while we were reading last night, and ended up making HIM feel like shit...which made ME feel worse. It's a never ending cycle with me.

I need to get out of this mud, and I need to do it now. I have to find a way to turn things around or I'm going to end up going nutty. Patrick doesn't deserve this and neither do I.

Monday, Monday...

2005-08-08T07:03:00.000-07:00

I am oh so excited that it's Monday...can't you hear it in my voice? This week is going to be rough for several reasons:

1) Patty is gone all week on vacation. Her clients are pains in the asses to deal with because she lets them get away with ANYTHING.
2) Vanessa is also gone today, which leaves San and myself to run our department. 3) The new guy starts today and we really have no way to start training him.
4) There are only 4 days and a wake up till we go home!

I've prayed and prayed that the days go by fast and Friday comes light lightening.

This weekend was fun. We went to Coast Guard Day at the Training Center on Saturday. It was hot and sticky, but the food was good and we made new friends...so it wasn't all bad. We also played in the Sand Volley Ball Tournament. We got a bye into the second round and then got our asses handed to us...but that was to be expected. I told Patrick that I had never played 2-man before, but I ran my ass off trying to get whatever I could. It was fun, and Patrick promised we would practice beforehand next time.

Back in action...

2005-08-06T08:54:00.000-07:00

Technology is a wonderful thing. Circuit City was having a sale on Digital Cameras, and since I've been without one since March, we bought one. They were only on sale online, so I figured we'd have to have it shipped. (Mind you, we lived in "No Mans Land" in The Hamptons for 3 years, nothing was close or convenient). Much to my surprise, they had In Store Pick Up! I purchased my camera at 9:40 pm, got in the car and drove 3 miles to Circuit City to pick it up! Now, I'm back in action...and who do you think my first pictures were of?

You can't tell me you wouldn't do the same thing!

Growing up...

2005-08-03T20:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I got one of the best surprises a person could ever get. While emailing plans to Tonya about our upcoming visit, her response had a little more than I was expecting...

Here's a message typed from Jac: .... HI LEAH. I MISS YOU AND CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YUO...LUV YUO. JAC

And right there, at my desk at work, my eyes swelled with tears and I started to cry. I promptly printed the email and taped it to my wall, with the words highlighted so they will always catch my eye when I need them to.

Just as soon as life seems to be taking a faster rotation as I get older, I'm slammed with the beautiful joy of realizing that the babies I spent my days with for years are now little people. All of the sudden, life seems faster than before, but with a wonderful twist.

I remember Jac learning to walk, and how we'd call him a "Drunken Sailor" because every step had an uneasy lean to it...with the eventual face-first spill at the end. I remember taking him outside to play and the fact that he detested blades of grass touching his skin, so as soon as I'd put him down he'd begin to scream. I remember his jibberish and how much I loved how we would carry on conversations in his "language".

I will never forget walking into Providence Hospital with Jac the day after Brendan was born, and him saying "Where's my baby brov-er??". My heart melted at that moment because I now had two little ones in my life who would change me forever. Jac was such a trooper when things got hectic with Brendan being a baby, and he would *always* help me with bottles or cleaning up his toys. He was born to be the Big Brother.

Brendan was an amazing baby, and he tugged at my heart strings with every smile. While I only got to spend the first year of his life with him, every day was worth it to me. I would feed him on the couch, my arm propped up by a pillow, and I'd stare at him, just knowing that this kid would be something some day. I remember when I saw his first tooth, and when he took his first steps. To be there for those moments is a gift that I will never take for granted.

What means most to me in this world is that almost 4 years after leaving home, these children STILL know who I am. They are STILL a part of my life even though I'm across the country. I can never repay Tonya & Jeff for that, and I don't know if they'll ever know how deeply that has affected me. These people have become our family in every sense of the word. They love us as much as we love them, and I wouldn't miss an opportunity to see them.

If God doesn't have plans for us to be parents, I can know in my soul that those kids love me as much as they can...and for me that's enough. To have been a part of their lives changed me forever, and nothing can take that away.

Jac & Leah - May 2003

Leah & Brendan - May 2003

And the countdown begins!

2005-08-01T12:48:00.000-07:00

WE ARE COMING HOME!!!!!!!

Tminus 11 days and counting. It's a short weekend trip, but home to Michigan nonetheless. We will leave the hot, humid state of Virginia on Friday August 12th and drive straight through to Michigan...only to turn around and come back on Sunday August 14th. At least we'll have Saturday! Patrick's birfday will be stuck in the car, but at least he'll get to see his Momma on his birfday!

Man, the dog is gonna be pissed when he finds out he's not coming! :)

The Dating Game...

2005-08-01T07:01:00.000-07:00

So, Mom went on a date yesterday. She was introduced to "Boring Man" by friends of hers. I call him "Boring Man" because that's what he is, apparently. I have taken to only referring to her dates by title and not names, and it's become quite funny. There was "I Lied About Being Married Man", and "Way Too Much Baggage Man", oh, and who can forget "Lumberjack Cat Man" - the man who worked at the lumber store and had 6 cats. Seriously. Sometimes I don't know where she meets these people.

When she was introduced to "Boring Man", she already decided that it wasn't going to work. He asked her out and she reluctantly said yes. I begged her to just give the man a chance before she wrote him off. During their date, he talked endlessly about the things he wanted to talk about, only asking about her life once or twice. When she saw a Coast Guard station she eagerly said "My Son-in-law is in the Coast Guard!", obviously thinking this might strike up some conversation about her life, to which he replied "Oh, nice".

She said he asked her out again and she could hear me screaming in her head to "give him a chance", so she said yes, reluctantly. She has managed to totally misconstrue my advice in this situation. Her time is precious and she has very little of it, considering she works 3 jobs, she doesn't need to waste her time on men that don't do anything for her.

I told her that I want her to marry Mike from work. Mike is a lawyer and he basically runs the court she works at. He has been around our family for many years and is the most kind, wonderful, thoughtful man. He's a true gentleman. However, Mike is married. He's been miserable for years, and his wife is pretty much an ogre, but that doesn't make him any less married. So, I will pray that Mike comes to his senses, divorces that wife of his, and marries my Mom. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

After listening to my Mom's dating disasters, it makes me even more thankful to be so happily married. You couldn't PAY me enough money to be trying to date at this point in my life. It's very rough out there, but I know that some day she'll find a man who makes her almost as happy as my Daddy did.

My Boys...

2005-07-31T11:42:00.000-07:00

Playing house...

2005-07-31T11:36:00.000-07:00

I think I may be alone in this thought, but I love a good rainy weekend every once in a while. We've been out and about so much every other weekend, and it's nice to have nothing to do but stay cuddled on the couch. It's also a nice break from the swealtering heat of the "South" as of late.

Despite a rocky end to our Friday night fun, we've had a nice weekend. Jillian's was fun, although it's been decided that it's definitely NO Gameworks. The new extern at the clinic came along and she was very nice. I offered to drag her shopping with me whenever she'd like, and she jumped at the chance. She's here and pretty much all alone for the next 9 weeks, and I can commiserate with being far away from everything and having no one to hang out with.

Yesterday was pretty lazy besides some errand running. We rented "Million Dollar Baby" and made Chicken Parmesan for dinner. I must say that I *love* playing house. I know that tecnically we aren't "playing house" since we're married and living together, but I know that this lifestyle won't last and the CG will seperate us again...so to me it's playing house for the time being. The weekends are satisfying just sitting here with Patrick, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, playing Scrabble. It's scary how life changes your priorities, and it's even scarier how much you take simple things for granted until you're faced with having to spend half of your time alone. Don't get me wrong, coming home to the dog was nice, but it's even better to have my sexy man to come home to every night.

T-G-I-F!

2005-07-29T06:58:00.000-07:00

Today is Friday and it couldn't have come soon enough. Even though we are without San again today, I'm going to keep my head up and try to get through it because tonight we're headed to Jillian's for dinner and games with, apparently, a ton of people. My little idea of Patrick and I going there for a date night turned into all of the Clinic coming as well. It's great, though, cause I'm excited to release a little tension and have a good time. Just wish I had a camera to bring!

I had a little taste of the past last night while relaxing on the couch. Because I forgot to pick up my pills on Monday, I had to wait until Tuesday morning to take them. I thought I would be fine because it was only a matter being of a few hours late. Well, I was wrong. The lack of hormones finally caught up with me, leaving me curled in the fetal position on the couch, praying for my uterus to shrivel up. At that point I remembered what my life was like before this treatment, and became thankful for the hormones that have kept the pain at bay for a year and a half. I have become a slave to those pills, apparently. Life without them is a terrifying thought.

Hooters...

2005-07-27T07:00:00.000-07:00

Last night we went to Hooters for dinner with The Dawson Family. I realize that some might think that going to Hooters is "tacky", but apparently it's quite the family restaurant around here. Plus, they had All You Can Eat Wings night last night and I was craving wings like crazy. :)

McKynzi is such a good baby, and she's so much fun to be around. It was so damn hot in the restaurant last night and I felt so bad for her, but I think she handled it with grace. Not to mention the fact that she's got excellent parents. You see your friends in a whole new light when they become parents. Sort of a new found respect, if you will. Shannon was a natural with that child, and Ryan exuded being in love with both of them. I couldn't be more proud of them.

Shannon said that she had decided to be a Stay At Home Mom because when McKynzi smiles at her it makes her whole day better. I think it's a fabulous idea because NOTHING anyone could pay you would be worth missing that smile all day. I think being a Mom is probably so much more rewarding than writing someone's insurance. I pray that God will bless us with the opportunity to find out.

Jenny

2005-07-26T07:00:00.000-07:00

It was a year ago today that Jenny died, and I still can't believe she's been gone all this time. It's so hard to fathom someone so young being here one minute and gone the next, and although it's starting to be a pattern in my life, it never gets any easier to deal with.

Jenny was a fun, vibrant, intelligent and stubborn person. She loved kids, even though she couldn't have her own, and would get down on the floor and play with the ones who came to visit work. She was so full of life. She loved to shop, and we would often talk of our addiction to being "Product Whores" because we had to try EVERYTHING on the shelves. Something to make our hair more full, the newest foundation to even out skin tone, the latest lotion with the shimmer to enhance your summer tan...we always tried new stuff and would let the other one in on the action.

I will never forget the day she died and how I found out. All alone in the office, covering the phones for Jess while she was at lunch, and Mr. Zimmerman called to speak to one of the bosses. After discovering no one was in, he said "Do you all know that Jenny Miller died this morning?" and of course we didn't. I was the first to find out and I had a wave of panic over me that I hadn't felt since I found out Dad died. Just then, Jimmy and Alex came in and pulled me aside. Jenny had died that morning of a heart attack at 34.

I remember watching Ben at the funeral and praying for him, and then praying that I never felt what he was feeling at that moment. I couldn't control the tears as he said goodbye to his wife. That is something I never want to do. The thought alone terrifies me, and this man has actually lived it.

I will always remember Jenny for the funloving, tough as nails, smart person she was. I miss her all the time. Lunch was never the same after she was gone, and she left a hole in all of our hearts when she left.

The Weight Watchers...

2005-07-25T07:00:00.000-07:00

Is it Monday already? I wish that the weekends went by as slow as the work week does, because there never seems to be enough time to recouperate for the next work week.

After another relaxing day at Water Country, we came home and BBQ'ed steaks and made a great salad for dinner. I am so proud of Patrick and the choices he's making food wise. I knew once I got him hooked on WW he'd never be the same. To hear him come out with, "Well, we could just grill the steak and split it over a salad" was enough to knock me off my rocker. Steak was the man's weakness, his Kryptonite, but now he knows it's not healthy to eat a whole one twice a week! :) His 24 pound weight loss since getting here is so admirable. I couldn't be more proud. All I wanted in this world was for him to take better care of himself, especially because he even admitted to me that he was following the pattern his own father set and I REFUSE to be a young widow like his mother when there's something we can do to help prevent it.

After weigh in on Thursday, I am OFFICIALLY down 50 pounds since 4 years ago and now the lowest weight I've been since high school. It must be the humidity down here, cause I haven't even been trying to lose and I have lost 6 pounds in just a few weeks. Now, if I could drag my lazy ass out of bed and get back to the gym I'd be ecstatic, but we can't always do it all, right?