Over the last six and a half years I have had a few bouts of homesickness after visits from relatives or trips back to Detroit. They always lasted a day or two, but I quickly got back into my routine and my own life and the feelings subsided. I have always missed our friends and family, but it was easy to enjoy new places and friends because the phone kept me in step with everyone back in Michigan. I know that living away from everyone will always bring on some sort of feeling like we are missing out, but I haven't ever felt the gut wrenching, heartbreaking homesickness I've been having the last few days.
I should have known that when Sarah came to visit it was going to turn out like this. Having her here with me for over a week was so fantastic and we had such a great time. I knew that as the week was drawing to a close I would have a hard time saying good bye, but I never imagined that I would feel so empty after she left. I watched her cry as she kissed Brady before we left and I felt like the cruelest person for keeping him from her by living so far away. For the first time since we left almost seven years ago the guilt became so crushing that I had to fight back my tears because I knew I would lose it.
I told Mom that I have never felt so awful in all my life, and that I had always missed them, but having Brady made it much harder to deal with. I feel like he is missing out on so much. I feel like WE are missing out on so much. Everyday he hangs out with me, he sees me, he loves me...but if we were closer to home he would be able to see his Grandmothers, Aunts, Uncle and cousins on a consistent basis. He would be able to get to know them and do special things with them. What I wouldn't give for a Sunday dinner with the family.
I honestly don't know how long this feeling is going to last, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be here for a while. I came home from the airport and told Patrick that we were moving back to Detroit. He could become a firefighter and I could stay home with the kids, and we could be happy with our family around. I told him that I just couldn't take this anymore and I wanted to go home. Of course, he knew I was blowing off steam, but the majority of my heart knows that I was serious.
Everyday is supposed to be easier, and yet it's not. I hope this bout of homesickness subsides quickly.
