The Ghost Whisperer

While aimlessly flipping through the channels tonight, I came across the tail end of the new show "The Ghost Whisperer" starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. I have heard about this show in the previous weeks, but didn't count it to be one of the shows I'd be watching this season. However, between "Showgirls" and "Kill Reality", I figured this was a better way to spend a few minutes.

The basis of the show, apparently, is that Jennifer can speak to ghosts and relay their messages to those of us left behind. As I sat on my couch on the verge of tears, I wondered how simple life would be if there was really a way for someone to carry messages from the ones in our lives that we can no longer see or hear. I know that I can feel my Dad in my heart, but I would give anything to talk to him again. I would give anything to even listen to his ramblings about the government or how Clinton is still interfering even after he left office. There are so many things in my life that are so incomplete without him here, but how wonderful it would be for me to have a messenger who could relay his advice. Now that I think about it, I don't even know what I would tell him if I got the chance to have someone talk to him for me. The only thing I can come up with is how much I love him and miss him, and how empty we all are without him here. I don't think anything else matters.

I can still hardly believe that almost 4 years have gone by and the wounds are as deep now as they were that day. There are days that I sit here listening to his CD and I think that even 20 years from now I will be feeling like this. How do you recover from losing your Daddy? How do you get over the fact that he'll never be there to give you advice again? How can you face the monumental moments in your life without him there to cheer you on?? Sometimes I still wonder why God felt his time here was done, because I still need him, damned. Even now...4 damn years later...I still need him. I know it's selfish and I should be way past this now, but FUCK! Nothing has been the same since he left -- and it's not fair. It's not fair that my brother has grown up in the most important years of his life without his father. It's not fair that he'll graduate high school this year and not have his Dad in the audience cheering him on. It's not fair that my sister will not have her father to walk her down the aisle on the day she gets married. It's not fair that my Mother is an experienced widow at 48 and the man she loved the most in her life was ripped away from her. It's not fair that my kids will never know their grandfather.

And all I can think of at this moment is that HE was the one who taught me that life isn't fair...how ironic.