Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Friends
In a time when you need them most, friends always come through. I finally got to sit down and talk to Ava last night about everything that's happened recently. She suffered a miscarriage earlier this year and it was nice to know that what I'm feeling right now is normal. The good news is that she is now 4 months pregnant and doing a-okay, so that gives us some hope.
It's sad that we can relate to such a horrible experience, since I wouldn't wish this on even my worst enemy. Every day is a new day and while it still sucks to feel like this, time does heal the wounds. There are times during the day that I'll get lost in thought and need to shake myself out of it. I don't want to let this go, but I don't want to dwell on it either. I don't want to wake up 3 years from now and realize that I'm not over it and it's affected my whole life.
I know it's hard for someone who has never been pregnant to comprehend, but I felt an instant connection with that little life inside me. I would have done anything to protect it. Now, as Kim put it, that baby is up in heaven with our Dad's and they are giving it the best care imaginable. That's the image I'll keep in my heart to get me through this.
It's sad that we can relate to such a horrible experience, since I wouldn't wish this on even my worst enemy. Every day is a new day and while it still sucks to feel like this, time does heal the wounds. There are times during the day that I'll get lost in thought and need to shake myself out of it. I don't want to let this go, but I don't want to dwell on it either. I don't want to wake up 3 years from now and realize that I'm not over it and it's affected my whole life.
I know it's hard for someone who has never been pregnant to comprehend, but I felt an instant connection with that little life inside me. I would have done anything to protect it. Now, as Kim put it, that baby is up in heaven with our Dad's and they are giving it the best care imaginable. That's the image I'll keep in my heart to get me through this.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Empty
It has taken me a while to sit down and be able to write this. I don't know why because writing is usually my release, my therapy, but somehow writing about this solidifies the fact that it's real. Even now I'm having a difficult time forming the words in my head.
There's no easy way to write it, or say it for that matter, and although it's been a week it's still hard to grasp. We went from total elation and tremendous joy to devastation -- and now there's emptiness. Last week, I lost our baby. I had a miscarriage that started after a traffic accident and completed itself last weekend. "Spontaneous Abortion" is the medical term and it's what the ER doctor kept calling it - but that term makes my skin crawl. The last thing you want to hear when you're coping with the loss of a pregnancy, under NO fault of your own, is that word. The word "abortion" is synonymous with teenage girls who aren't careful when they have sex and rush out after missing their period to get rid of an unwanted pregnancy. This wasn't an unwanted pregnancy -- this child was loved even before it was conceived. This child had parents who cried with joy when they found out the news. This child had parents who planned for this time in their lives carefully. This child was no accident, it was the result of two people who love each other so deeply that they wanted to share their love with a person they created together.
I found out the news on Halloween of all days, and it was a day that Patrick was on duty. Actually, I had taken my first test the day before, but with my immense impatience I threw the test away after only seeing the Control line -- even though the test wasn't finished yet. 20 minutes later, in the trash, there was a 2nd line. I didn't want to let Patrick in on the possibility and decided to pick up another test on the way home from work the next day. So, there I was, alone on Halloween staring at the big fat positive on the test in front of me with tears of happiness streaming down my cheeks.
I ran out and got another brand of test to make sure the news was absolutely certain before I told Patrick. I knew he wanted to be surprised, and I had the plan concocted in my brain of how I was going to tell him and I didn't want to ruin it. The digital test I bought said "Not Pregnant" and I about fell on the floor. I panicked and spent the rest of the night wondering which one was right. The next morning, before work, I took 2 more tests and both said I was pregnant. Just for good measure, I took another test that night before meeting Patrick for dinner, and again it was positive. I only had once chance in my life to tell him I was pregnant for the first time and I didn't want to mess it up by being wrong.
I told him we were pregnant by getting him some presents as "motivation" for the advancement test he was taking two days later. The first was a box of POPtarts. The second was SugarBABIES and SugarDADDIES. The third was "Hop on POP" by Dr. Seuss. The fourth was an "I love my Daddy" bib rolled up with 3 of the tests inside. He had it at the candy, but knew for sure at the book. We both sat there in Cheeseburger in Paradise and cried and giggled like school kids. We had done it and we knew the next nine months would be agony as we waited to meet the little person we created.
However, the agony of impatience would soon turn into the agony of physical and emotional pain, as a week later I was rear ended on my way to work. I instantly thought of the baby and what could happen. I was told at the ER that I was too early to montior and if something is going to happen "it's going to happen". The very next day, I started spotting and ended up back in the ER. They called it a "Threatened Miscarriage" that night, but they had seen the gestational sac and sent me home to rest. The days dragged as we wondered what was happening with this little life inside as I kept spotting from Tuesday until Saturday. We kept hope that this was only a fluke and the pregnancy would last and I would be big and fat in July. On that Saturday, less than 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I was bleeding and cramping and ended back in the ER, where it was confirmed through tests and ultrasounds that I had, in fact, lost the baby.
The pain is tremendous. I thought at first that I would be able to brush this off and get back to life, but it's proving to be more difficult than I imagined. I can't go a few hours without thinking about how I should be having morning sickness and eating for two right now, but instead I sit here empty. We are both empty. Phsyically and emotionally.
Life will go on as it always does. The world does not stop turning because we are grief-stricken (a fact we both know all too well in our lives). We pick up and move on, but a part of us will forever be empty because of this loss.
There's no easy way to write it, or say it for that matter, and although it's been a week it's still hard to grasp. We went from total elation and tremendous joy to devastation -- and now there's emptiness. Last week, I lost our baby. I had a miscarriage that started after a traffic accident and completed itself last weekend. "Spontaneous Abortion" is the medical term and it's what the ER doctor kept calling it - but that term makes my skin crawl. The last thing you want to hear when you're coping with the loss of a pregnancy, under NO fault of your own, is that word. The word "abortion" is synonymous with teenage girls who aren't careful when they have sex and rush out after missing their period to get rid of an unwanted pregnancy. This wasn't an unwanted pregnancy -- this child was loved even before it was conceived. This child had parents who cried with joy when they found out the news. This child had parents who planned for this time in their lives carefully. This child was no accident, it was the result of two people who love each other so deeply that they wanted to share their love with a person they created together.
I found out the news on Halloween of all days, and it was a day that Patrick was on duty. Actually, I had taken my first test the day before, but with my immense impatience I threw the test away after only seeing the Control line -- even though the test wasn't finished yet. 20 minutes later, in the trash, there was a 2nd line. I didn't want to let Patrick in on the possibility and decided to pick up another test on the way home from work the next day. So, there I was, alone on Halloween staring at the big fat positive on the test in front of me with tears of happiness streaming down my cheeks.
I ran out and got another brand of test to make sure the news was absolutely certain before I told Patrick. I knew he wanted to be surprised, and I had the plan concocted in my brain of how I was going to tell him and I didn't want to ruin it. The digital test I bought said "Not Pregnant" and I about fell on the floor. I panicked and spent the rest of the night wondering which one was right. The next morning, before work, I took 2 more tests and both said I was pregnant. Just for good measure, I took another test that night before meeting Patrick for dinner, and again it was positive. I only had once chance in my life to tell him I was pregnant for the first time and I didn't want to mess it up by being wrong.
I told him we were pregnant by getting him some presents as "motivation" for the advancement test he was taking two days later. The first was a box of POPtarts. The second was SugarBABIES and SugarDADDIES. The third was "Hop on POP" by Dr. Seuss. The fourth was an "I love my Daddy" bib rolled up with 3 of the tests inside. He had it at the candy, but knew for sure at the book. We both sat there in Cheeseburger in Paradise and cried and giggled like school kids. We had done it and we knew the next nine months would be agony as we waited to meet the little person we created.
However, the agony of impatience would soon turn into the agony of physical and emotional pain, as a week later I was rear ended on my way to work. I instantly thought of the baby and what could happen. I was told at the ER that I was too early to montior and if something is going to happen "it's going to happen". The very next day, I started spotting and ended up back in the ER. They called it a "Threatened Miscarriage" that night, but they had seen the gestational sac and sent me home to rest. The days dragged as we wondered what was happening with this little life inside as I kept spotting from Tuesday until Saturday. We kept hope that this was only a fluke and the pregnancy would last and I would be big and fat in July. On that Saturday, less than 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I was bleeding and cramping and ended back in the ER, where it was confirmed through tests and ultrasounds that I had, in fact, lost the baby.
The pain is tremendous. I thought at first that I would be able to brush this off and get back to life, but it's proving to be more difficult than I imagined. I can't go a few hours without thinking about how I should be having morning sickness and eating for two right now, but instead I sit here empty. We are both empty. Phsyically and emotionally.
Life will go on as it always does. The world does not stop turning because we are grief-stricken (a fact we both know all too well in our lives). We pick up and move on, but a part of us will forever be empty because of this loss.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Calm...
Do you ever just wake up one day and realize that everything in life is great -- and a wave of calmness comes over you? It's a great feeling...you should try it.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Not meant to be...
We found out this afternoon that another family's offer was accepted over ours for the house. We ended up being one of seven offers and were in the top two today. The other family offered more "guarantee over appraisal" than we did by $1200. I was not willing to make us scrape by and personally find the whole thing unfair. We offered MORE than asking price and then had to offer CASH to the seller on top of that. We could have said more than we did but it would have meant bread and water for the next 4 months and I wasn't willing to do that.
Despite saying I wouldn't be upset, I am. Being the eternal pessimest has never failed me before and it has always protected my heart from major breakage. I should never have gotten my hopes up because now I feel like we'll never find another home like it. Oh well...we march on. Maybe to our own home, maybe to a rental home...who knows. All I know is that I don't think my heart (or my nervous stomach) can take this again.
Despite saying I wouldn't be upset, I am. Being the eternal pessimest has never failed me before and it has always protected my heart from major breakage. I should never have gotten my hopes up because now I feel like we'll never find another home like it. Oh well...we march on. Maybe to our own home, maybe to a rental home...who knows. All I know is that I don't think my heart (or my nervous stomach) can take this again.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Dream House!
The listing popped up on our email Wednesday night and we barely thought twice about it. Both of us figured we were never going to find anything after striking out time after time. After being stood up (and lied to) for seeing a rental, we called our realtor to see if we could at least see the place even if we ended up not liking it.
As we pulled up to the townhouse, there were already 2 people waiting to look at the place ahead of us. Catherine, our realtor, came along and we waited patiently for our turn. As we stood there in the parking lot another gentleman pulled up and joined us in line. He was in the Air Force and was only looking for an investment property to rent out. He asked if we wanted the same from the home and we said "No, this is our first time buying a home." I felt a wave of nausea come over me when Catherine said this home already had two contracts on it.
Finally, our turn came to go in and I put my guard up just knowing I wouldn't like it. I immediately found out I was wrong. This was the home of our dreams. Catherdal ceilings in the great room, a fireplace with a cubby for the TV above it. Big picture windows, clean white walls. The dining room was the perfect size and it was next to an enormous kitchen with lots of counter space, even more cupboards and a pantry to boot. 1400 square feet of pure luxury.
The guest bedroom was in the back of the house and was bigger than our room here. A door to the backyard was in this room and we stepped out onto a huge deck - complete with hot tub. The yard was grass and MUCH larger than any of the other yards we'd seen, and it was the perfect place for Cody to run around. At this point I'm practically crying because I know in my heart that this is where I want to live.
We ventured upstairs where an open space loft greeted us before entering the master bedroom. It was the perfect place to set up an office and not have to use one of the bedrooms to do so. Patrick almost didn't let me in the master bedroom because he KNEW I'd start crying then. The room was spacious with two closets, a double sink vanity and the shower and toilet off on their own. There was even a linen closet, which we do not even have here. I could live in that bedroom and never emerge. Guests would have to come and visit me in my suite. It felt like I was in a dream.
We left there knowing that this was what we wanted, and offered $5K over the asking price -- which you have to do here if you want anything. Catherine enclosed a letter with our offer about how badly we wanted this home to be ours and tugged at their heartstrings by offering that we were a military family (the owners were too). We were the 5th contract at 8:00 last night and it seems as if we have pretty good shot, so this is where the prayers kick in. We know that God has a hand in this and everything happens according to His plan. If it was meant to be, it will happen. If not, we're okay with that.
I tossed and turned and barely slept a wink last night. I can hardly even shove breakfast down my throat because I'm nauseous just thinking about it. We should know something today, so until then I'll be the wreck sitting at her desk.
Praying hard...
As we pulled up to the townhouse, there were already 2 people waiting to look at the place ahead of us. Catherine, our realtor, came along and we waited patiently for our turn. As we stood there in the parking lot another gentleman pulled up and joined us in line. He was in the Air Force and was only looking for an investment property to rent out. He asked if we wanted the same from the home and we said "No, this is our first time buying a home." I felt a wave of nausea come over me when Catherine said this home already had two contracts on it.
Finally, our turn came to go in and I put my guard up just knowing I wouldn't like it. I immediately found out I was wrong. This was the home of our dreams. Catherdal ceilings in the great room, a fireplace with a cubby for the TV above it. Big picture windows, clean white walls. The dining room was the perfect size and it was next to an enormous kitchen with lots of counter space, even more cupboards and a pantry to boot. 1400 square feet of pure luxury.
The guest bedroom was in the back of the house and was bigger than our room here. A door to the backyard was in this room and we stepped out onto a huge deck - complete with hot tub. The yard was grass and MUCH larger than any of the other yards we'd seen, and it was the perfect place for Cody to run around. At this point I'm practically crying because I know in my heart that this is where I want to live.
We ventured upstairs where an open space loft greeted us before entering the master bedroom. It was the perfect place to set up an office and not have to use one of the bedrooms to do so. Patrick almost didn't let me in the master bedroom because he KNEW I'd start crying then. The room was spacious with two closets, a double sink vanity and the shower and toilet off on their own. There was even a linen closet, which we do not even have here. I could live in that bedroom and never emerge. Guests would have to come and visit me in my suite. It felt like I was in a dream.
We left there knowing that this was what we wanted, and offered $5K over the asking price -- which you have to do here if you want anything. Catherine enclosed a letter with our offer about how badly we wanted this home to be ours and tugged at their heartstrings by offering that we were a military family (the owners were too). We were the 5th contract at 8:00 last night and it seems as if we have pretty good shot, so this is where the prayers kick in. We know that God has a hand in this and everything happens according to His plan. If it was meant to be, it will happen. If not, we're okay with that.
I tossed and turned and barely slept a wink last night. I can hardly even shove breakfast down my throat because I'm nauseous just thinking about it. We should know something today, so until then I'll be the wreck sitting at her desk.
Praying hard...
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Half Day
I can hardly keep up with this thing anymore. It seems that life has become even too busy to sit down and write.
The bosses at work gave Personal Lines each 1 half day off free, and today I'm using mine. Patrick took the day off so that we can spend it together. We're having lunch at Cheeseburger in Paradise, then we're headed to look at a townhouse. After that we're hitting the gym, then Weight Watchers and then home to eat dinner. I love spending time with him even if it's running around like chickens with our heads cut off.
I've been working on a huge account at work, and by the sounds of it, I may get the deal. If I do, I will have contributed appx $20K to our bottom line this month alone! It's been a stressful couple of days getting everything together, and I'm not done yet. I'll use my whole morning to work on the rest of this. I hate doing sales and new business, but if I can keep getting clients like this, I don't mind it!
Patrick got his marks at work yesterday and they gave him two 7's (the highest you can receive)! He will get commendations to go in his record and the best part is that his spirits were totally uplifted by the fact that his boss really takes the time to evaluate people and not just write down a bunch of numbers. He has worked so hard and according to his superiors is "way beyond his pay grade". (Nice compliment, believe me!). So, we'll celebrate this weekend and have a great time.
The bosses at work gave Personal Lines each 1 half day off free, and today I'm using mine. Patrick took the day off so that we can spend it together. We're having lunch at Cheeseburger in Paradise, then we're headed to look at a townhouse. After that we're hitting the gym, then Weight Watchers and then home to eat dinner. I love spending time with him even if it's running around like chickens with our heads cut off.
I've been working on a huge account at work, and by the sounds of it, I may get the deal. If I do, I will have contributed appx $20K to our bottom line this month alone! It's been a stressful couple of days getting everything together, and I'm not done yet. I'll use my whole morning to work on the rest of this. I hate doing sales and new business, but if I can keep getting clients like this, I don't mind it!
Patrick got his marks at work yesterday and they gave him two 7's (the highest you can receive)! He will get commendations to go in his record and the best part is that his spirits were totally uplifted by the fact that his boss really takes the time to evaluate people and not just write down a bunch of numbers. He has worked so hard and according to his superiors is "way beyond his pay grade". (Nice compliment, believe me!). So, we'll celebrate this weekend and have a great time.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
This week started out promising and has continued to look up. On Monday, I was given my first raise at my job! My boss gave me nothing but praises and complimented me on my work ethic, my ability to start something and follow through, and the way I handle my clients. It was a great relief and much appreciated recognition. Gotta love more money!
Friday, October 07, 2005
Bring on the stress..
I am going to need to buy a case of Pepto and carry a bottle around with me constantly. Patrick and I decided that we are going to buy a house. We aren't the first people to buy a house, and we won't be the last, but holy cow...this is stressful. We have been preapproved for a mortgage and found out our credit has VASTLY improved over the last few years, which was a huge relief. We will not be overextending ourselves and relying on my salary to pay the mortgage, so we are going to stay a little cheaper than anticipated. I feel that's good because we can then use my money to make improvements and up the value of whatever we buy. The housing market is so hot down here that homes bought for $80K last year are now selling for $125K this year. We want to get in while the getting is good.
We're sticking with the condo/townhome idea and it seems to be working out well. Patrick has an appointment to see a place today while I'm at work. The sellers didn't want to show last night because they had just sat down for dinner. Understandable, but disappointing. As Sarah pointed out, they knew they'd sell the house in a snap either way so they can relax and turn some people down. 3 of the homes we were going to look at last night already had contracts on them. 1 had just been listed that day, and the other two were the day before.
I don't know how we're supposed to make a concious decision about a place if we can't "think" about it. The problem is if we like it, we gotta put an offer in that day. That's a little stressful to me, but if it will get us out of renting our stupid apartment, we'll make an offer.
Happy Friday!
We're sticking with the condo/townhome idea and it seems to be working out well. Patrick has an appointment to see a place today while I'm at work. The sellers didn't want to show last night because they had just sat down for dinner. Understandable, but disappointing. As Sarah pointed out, they knew they'd sell the house in a snap either way so they can relax and turn some people down. 3 of the homes we were going to look at last night already had contracts on them. 1 had just been listed that day, and the other two were the day before.
I don't know how we're supposed to make a concious decision about a place if we can't "think" about it. The problem is if we like it, we gotta put an offer in that day. That's a little stressful to me, but if it will get us out of renting our stupid apartment, we'll make an offer.
Happy Friday!
Friday, September 30, 2005
Whole again...
Patrick FINALLY came home on Tuesday night. What a relief to hear him on the phone saying "You'd better be in Richmond at 6:04 tonight to pick me up!" -- and you bet your happy ass I was there with bells on. We both took the day off on Wednesday and spent it together hanging out. We got up and dropped the dog off for his bath, then drove to the college to drop off my various paperwork and applications for next semester, then we shopped and had lunch. It was a perfect day -- the only care we had was being with each other.
Despite the cold treatment of the admissions person at the college, I was ecstatic to have finally got the ball rolling on this. No one could have brought me down as I proudly handed over the explanation of my scholastic career (short as it was) because I finally took that step! Now, to just stay motivated all the way through...that will be the next accomplishment!
Tonight I had dinner with Jenn and Cassie at Applebee's and then we hauled ass to Garden Ridge in Chesapeake to find stuff for Jenn's room. It was nice to get out of the house, especially because Patrick had duty tonight. I'm sticking to WW hard right now because I gained back another pound and am scarily close to my goal weight again, so Applebee's was a great choice because of their WW menu! After the 1 point Carrot Cake I just ate, I am at my Points Target for today and am taking my butt to bed.
Sleeping weather should be nice since it's in the 50's this evening. Tomorrow we're headed to Virginia Beach for the Neptune Festival and the weather should continue to cooperate. I am so happy Fall finally decided to show her face in Hampton Roads.
Despite the cold treatment of the admissions person at the college, I was ecstatic to have finally got the ball rolling on this. No one could have brought me down as I proudly handed over the explanation of my scholastic career (short as it was) because I finally took that step! Now, to just stay motivated all the way through...that will be the next accomplishment!
Tonight I had dinner with Jenn and Cassie at Applebee's and then we hauled ass to Garden Ridge in Chesapeake to find stuff for Jenn's room. It was nice to get out of the house, especially because Patrick had duty tonight. I'm sticking to WW hard right now because I gained back another pound and am scarily close to my goal weight again, so Applebee's was a great choice because of their WW menu! After the 1 point Carrot Cake I just ate, I am at my Points Target for today and am taking my butt to bed.
Sleeping weather should be nice since it's in the 50's this evening. Tomorrow we're headed to Virginia Beach for the Neptune Festival and the weather should continue to cooperate. I am so happy Fall finally decided to show her face in Hampton Roads.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Not Your Average Party Girl
This weekend has been pretty boring, despite my apparent breakdown on Friday (see below). I hit Wally World yesterday morning, bought crap & got the oil changed on my car. The Code-ster and I sat around watching Lifetime movies all day and on the commercials I'd run and clean out the closet. I feel much better having gotten it done especially because I've been procrastating for weeks. (I still have yet to file away all the paperwork in the office, but at least we know where it is). I got take out last night and spent another lonely evening with the dog. I think Cody is tired of me talking to him, because now he's just flat out ignoring me. I call his name and I swear he goes into the other room so as to avoid yet another one sided conversation with "crazy woman".
Today was a pretty productive day. The "Forty Days of Purpose" campaign started at church this morning, and I found myself there alone...but I did surprisingly well with it. I believe that there was a reason for Patrick to have been gone so that I would *have* to be faced with taking this first step on my own. I went because I wanted to and not because he wanted me to be there. Our small discussion group is comprised of 3 guys from the softball team that we already knew, so my comfort level automatically increased. I signed the contract to stay committed to this, and I will. I need to find the purpose of me being on this earth -- and I'm convinced it wasn't to sell insurance.
I finished the housework today and rewarded myself by going out to have sushi with Chris, Lindsay and Erin. It was great to get out of the house and have adult interaction...moreso, it was nice to have someone reciprocate the conversaion. Cody has not mastered the English language as yet. They talked about their night out on Friday and how everyone was "wasted". I'm glad I missed out on that one, to be honest.
I've never been a party girl, though I made a few half-assed attempts at it in college. I don't like losing control of my actions and my mouth because I felt like being drunk. I don't like having a hangover, wasting a whole day feeling sick and not being able to remember the night before. I feel like a three headed monster when all the people we know say "Oh man...I was so wasted last night" because I don't get it. Once in a great while, I'll get drunk...but I'm not out to do it every weekend, especially since I come from a long line of alcoholics. I mean, I'm talking Great Wall of China long. I refuse to be a recovering alcoholic someday, or worse...never be in recovery. So, I'll sit my happy ass at home and miss out on all the "fun" and be content with my life the way it is.
Today was a pretty productive day. The "Forty Days of Purpose" campaign started at church this morning, and I found myself there alone...but I did surprisingly well with it. I believe that there was a reason for Patrick to have been gone so that I would *have* to be faced with taking this first step on my own. I went because I wanted to and not because he wanted me to be there. Our small discussion group is comprised of 3 guys from the softball team that we already knew, so my comfort level automatically increased. I signed the contract to stay committed to this, and I will. I need to find the purpose of me being on this earth -- and I'm convinced it wasn't to sell insurance.
I finished the housework today and rewarded myself by going out to have sushi with Chris, Lindsay and Erin. It was great to get out of the house and have adult interaction...moreso, it was nice to have someone reciprocate the conversaion. Cody has not mastered the English language as yet. They talked about their night out on Friday and how everyone was "wasted". I'm glad I missed out on that one, to be honest.
I've never been a party girl, though I made a few half-assed attempts at it in college. I don't like losing control of my actions and my mouth because I felt like being drunk. I don't like having a hangover, wasting a whole day feeling sick and not being able to remember the night before. I feel like a three headed monster when all the people we know say "Oh man...I was so wasted last night" because I don't get it. Once in a great while, I'll get drunk...but I'm not out to do it every weekend, especially since I come from a long line of alcoholics. I mean, I'm talking Great Wall of China long. I refuse to be a recovering alcoholic someday, or worse...never be in recovery. So, I'll sit my happy ass at home and miss out on all the "fun" and be content with my life the way it is.
Friday, September 23, 2005
The Ghost Whisperer
While aimlessly flipping through the channels tonight, I came across the tail end of the new show "The Ghost Whisperer" starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. I have heard about this show in the previous weeks, but didn't count it to be one of the shows I'd be watching this season. However, between "Showgirls" and "Kill Reality", I figured this was a better way to spend a few minutes.
The basis of the show, apparently, is that Jennifer can speak to ghosts and relay their messages to those of us left behind. As I sat on my couch on the verge of tears, I wondered how simple life would be if there was really a way for someone to carry messages from the ones in our lives that we can no longer see or hear. I know that I can feel my Dad in my heart, but I would give anything to talk to him again. I would give anything to even listen to his ramblings about the government or how Clinton is still interfering even after he left office. There are so many things in my life that are so incomplete without him here, but how wonderful it would be for me to have a messenger who could relay his advice. Now that I think about it, I don't even know what I would tell him if I got the chance to have someone talk to him for me. The only thing I can come up with is how much I love him and miss him, and how empty we all are without him here. I don't think anything else matters.
I can still hardly believe that almost 4 years have gone by and the wounds are as deep now as they were that day. There are days that I sit here listening to his CD and I think that even 20 years from now I will be feeling like this. How do you recover from losing your Daddy? How do you get over the fact that he'll never be there to give you advice again? How can you face the monumental moments in your life without him there to cheer you on?? Sometimes I still wonder why God felt his time here was done, because I still need him, damned. Even now...4 damn years later...I still need him. I know it's selfish and I should be way past this now, but FUCK! Nothing has been the same since he left -- and it's not fair. It's not fair that my brother has grown up in the most important years of his life without his father. It's not fair that he'll graduate high school this year and not have his Dad in the audience cheering him on. It's not fair that my sister will not have her father to walk her down the aisle on the day she gets married. It's not fair that my Mother is an experienced widow at 48 and the man she loved the most in her life was ripped away from her. It's not fair that my kids will never know their grandfather.
And all I can think of at this moment is that HE was the one who taught me that life isn't fair...how ironic.
The basis of the show, apparently, is that Jennifer can speak to ghosts and relay their messages to those of us left behind. As I sat on my couch on the verge of tears, I wondered how simple life would be if there was really a way for someone to carry messages from the ones in our lives that we can no longer see or hear. I know that I can feel my Dad in my heart, but I would give anything to talk to him again. I would give anything to even listen to his ramblings about the government or how Clinton is still interfering even after he left office. There are so many things in my life that are so incomplete without him here, but how wonderful it would be for me to have a messenger who could relay his advice. Now that I think about it, I don't even know what I would tell him if I got the chance to have someone talk to him for me. The only thing I can come up with is how much I love him and miss him, and how empty we all are without him here. I don't think anything else matters.
I can still hardly believe that almost 4 years have gone by and the wounds are as deep now as they were that day. There are days that I sit here listening to his CD and I think that even 20 years from now I will be feeling like this. How do you recover from losing your Daddy? How do you get over the fact that he'll never be there to give you advice again? How can you face the monumental moments in your life without him there to cheer you on?? Sometimes I still wonder why God felt his time here was done, because I still need him, damned. Even now...4 damn years later...I still need him. I know it's selfish and I should be way past this now, but FUCK! Nothing has been the same since he left -- and it's not fair. It's not fair that my brother has grown up in the most important years of his life without his father. It's not fair that he'll graduate high school this year and not have his Dad in the audience cheering him on. It's not fair that my sister will not have her father to walk her down the aisle on the day she gets married. It's not fair that my Mother is an experienced widow at 48 and the man she loved the most in her life was ripped away from her. It's not fair that my kids will never know their grandfather.
And all I can think of at this moment is that HE was the one who taught me that life isn't fair...how ironic.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Here we are - another Monday. Why is it that when Patrick is home, the weekends fly by so fast, but when he's away they drag on forever? I tried to keep myself busy this weekend and managed to succed, but time still dragged on.
Friday I spent the evening at home with the dog. We rented movies and curled up on the couch all night. Saturday, Vanessa invited Cody and me to a football game. Despite the 100+ degree weather, it was fun to be out. Cody loved the kids and thought they were all put on this earth to pet and love him. Saturday night, Jenn and I had a "Our Men Are Gone" girls date. Had Italian at Carrabba's and saw "Just Like Heaven". Sunday was church and Jason & Angela invited Cody and myself over for dinner -- which turned out to be a PRE-Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey, stuffing, mashed taters...the works! It was great!
Patrick reports that he's not doing much down in the Gulf Coast, which is disappointing because I know how much he wanted to get down there and help; however, they are using him sparingly, which creates a lot of free time for him. My thoughts are if he's got nothing to do down there, send him home -- which he agrees with. It really is pointless for him to be there when all he's doing is working 6 hours a day, seeing maybe 2 patients during that time, and the rest of his day is spent reading his book. No one prepared him for this time spent down there, and we're both starting to get aggitated.
I walked into a wall of heat this afternoon when I got home from work. The air conditioner broke and was blowing hot air into the apartment. Since they close the office about the same time I get home, I couldn't get maintenance up here to fix it. So, Cody and I will be forced to sleep on top of the covers and we'll have to listen to the sounds of the crickets -- which just about kills me.
Friday I spent the evening at home with the dog. We rented movies and curled up on the couch all night. Saturday, Vanessa invited Cody and me to a football game. Despite the 100+ degree weather, it was fun to be out. Cody loved the kids and thought they were all put on this earth to pet and love him. Saturday night, Jenn and I had a "Our Men Are Gone" girls date. Had Italian at Carrabba's and saw "Just Like Heaven". Sunday was church and Jason & Angela invited Cody and myself over for dinner -- which turned out to be a PRE-Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey, stuffing, mashed taters...the works! It was great!
Patrick reports that he's not doing much down in the Gulf Coast, which is disappointing because I know how much he wanted to get down there and help; however, they are using him sparingly, which creates a lot of free time for him. My thoughts are if he's got nothing to do down there, send him home -- which he agrees with. It really is pointless for him to be there when all he's doing is working 6 hours a day, seeing maybe 2 patients during that time, and the rest of his day is spent reading his book. No one prepared him for this time spent down there, and we're both starting to get aggitated.
I walked into a wall of heat this afternoon when I got home from work. The air conditioner broke and was blowing hot air into the apartment. Since they close the office about the same time I get home, I couldn't get maintenance up here to fix it. So, Cody and I will be forced to sleep on top of the covers and we'll have to listen to the sounds of the crickets -- which just about kills me.
Friday, September 16, 2005
Patrick left yesterday morning out of Richmond to get to Mobile, Alabama. As anticipated, it was very last minute; however, we never thought they would send him out while we were on a Hurricane Watch. We escaped the wratch of Ophelia, thankfully, so it wasn't as traumatic as I thought.
Patrick arrived safely in Mobile with basically no direction on what was going on. They told him he'd find everything out when he got there, but the only thing he knew as of last night was where he'd be staying. He finds out early this morning whether they are moving him or James to a Port Security Unit in Gulfport. So, one of them is going and the other is staying in Mobile. The orders drawn up are for 30 days, and while we were told that it could be shorter than that, we are *not* counting on it.
It must've been announced at work as to why I wasn't there yesterday morning because everyone came over to ask how I was doing. Then some made comments like "Well, you all needed a break from each other anyway, right?". Um, no. See, besides the fact that he just got back from being in California, I actually *like* being with my husband. Shocker, I know, but I married him because I wanted to spend my life with him - not be away from him. We've spent half of this marriage apart and suffice it to say, I don't enjoy him being gone in the least.
In other "news", last night I proudly sat in the chair at the nail salon and had my acrylic nails removed -- and for the first time in 8 years, my nails were NEKKID! It hurt like a mother effer, but I am glad to have had it done.
This weekend, I'll be hitting up the mall for some retail therapy, and having a girls night with Jenn and some friends. Gotta keep busy on the weekends so time flies by.
Patrick arrived safely in Mobile with basically no direction on what was going on. They told him he'd find everything out when he got there, but the only thing he knew as of last night was where he'd be staying. He finds out early this morning whether they are moving him or James to a Port Security Unit in Gulfport. So, one of them is going and the other is staying in Mobile. The orders drawn up are for 30 days, and while we were told that it could be shorter than that, we are *not* counting on it.
It must've been announced at work as to why I wasn't there yesterday morning because everyone came over to ask how I was doing. Then some made comments like "Well, you all needed a break from each other anyway, right?". Um, no. See, besides the fact that he just got back from being in California, I actually *like* being with my husband. Shocker, I know, but I married him because I wanted to spend my life with him - not be away from him. We've spent half of this marriage apart and suffice it to say, I don't enjoy him being gone in the least.
In other "news", last night I proudly sat in the chair at the nail salon and had my acrylic nails removed -- and for the first time in 8 years, my nails were NEKKID! It hurt like a mother effer, but I am glad to have had it done.
This weekend, I'll be hitting up the mall for some retail therapy, and having a girls night with Jenn and some friends. Gotta keep busy on the weekends so time flies by.
Monday, September 12, 2005
And so it goes...
I just get him back, and now I've learned that Patrick will leave as early as tomorrow to help with the Katrina relief efforts for the next 2+ weeks. We're on stand-by to hear when he's going, but it'll pretty much be last
minute anyway. He'll get the "Go home and get your stuff" message and then he'll be gone. It's open ended, and we have no idea when he's coming home, so this should be fun. (Insert sarcasam here).
Lindsay tells me that Chris and Angela are down there and go everywhere with an armed guard, and are wearing bulletproof vests. I don't know if that was supposed to make me feel better or not. Somehow, it doesn't.
The Coast Guard Spouse motto: Semper Gumby - Always Flexible.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Friday...
Alas, Friday is *finally* here. This has felt like the longest, short work week of my life. Yesterday was so bad that I ended up crying at my desk after the 85th phone call with one certain client. I am broken and beaten, my heart and soul can't take this line of work anymore. If that's not a good enough reason to get my degree, I don't know what is.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Life Changes...
This week, I've had the opportunity to sit by myself and reflect on my life a little bit. While on the phone with Tanya the other night, I actually listened to the words...no, EXCUSES...coming out of my mouth as to why I haven't finished my Bachelor's yet. The next day, I dragged myself into work to do a job I don't like. It was then that I realized I didn't *have* to have a job that I have to drag myself to. If I took control of my life, went and got my degree and did something I enjoyed, I would be happier all the way around.
I am ashamed to say that I wasted 2 years in college, trying too hard to be a girlfriend and not a student. No one is to blame but myself. And now, eight years after I started my first college class, I'm ready to be the student I never was.
I will be attending Thomas Nelson Community College to "fix" my mistakes at Eastern and will then transfer to Christoper Newport University next fall to get a degree in Social Work. I know in my heart that this is my calling, and I believe that this what God intended for me to be doing with my life. It will be a long road ahead of full time work and part time school, but I have a supportive husband who will do anything to help me get to where I want to be. Without him, I don't know where I'd be right now.
I have to turn all of my Michigan ties over to Virginia, including my license, in order to get the In State tuition (savings of $160 per credit hour alone at the community college)...but I will always be a Michigander, and never a Southerner! I have appointments with college admissions people to make sure I do this effeciently, and not take the long road! Soon, I will be a student again.
I feel a great weight lifted from my shoulders. I've always been ashamed that I never finished my degree, and I don't have to feel that way anymore. And now that I've put it out there for others to read...there's no going back on it.
I am ashamed to say that I wasted 2 years in college, trying too hard to be a girlfriend and not a student. No one is to blame but myself. And now, eight years after I started my first college class, I'm ready to be the student I never was.
I will be attending Thomas Nelson Community College to "fix" my mistakes at Eastern and will then transfer to Christoper Newport University next fall to get a degree in Social Work. I know in my heart that this is my calling, and I believe that this what God intended for me to be doing with my life. It will be a long road ahead of full time work and part time school, but I have a supportive husband who will do anything to help me get to where I want to be. Without him, I don't know where I'd be right now.
I have to turn all of my Michigan ties over to Virginia, including my license, in order to get the In State tuition (savings of $160 per credit hour alone at the community college)...but I will always be a Michigander, and never a Southerner! I have appointments with college admissions people to make sure I do this effeciently, and not take the long road! Soon, I will be a student again.
I feel a great weight lifted from my shoulders. I've always been ashamed that I never finished my degree, and I don't have to feel that way anymore. And now that I've put it out there for others to read...there's no going back on it.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
1 Year Ago Today...
On September 6, 2004, I stood in line with 250 other people for a chance to win a car. In a million years, I never dreamed that I would be the one who would drive off with a brand spanking new car, but somehow dreams come true!
After picking a CD off a table, and having 129 people try ahead of me, I placed my chosen CD in the player and waited to hear if I was the winner. The same upbeat music that had played 129 times before played for me saying "101.7 The Beach's 101 Days of Summer contest" naming sponsors and the like. Then, the music was silent, and on the CD you heard the car trying to start...trying to start again...and then the engine revved!!!! I looked to my right and the DJ's eyes were as big as saucers as he said "YOU WON!!". No FREAKING WAY did I just win a CAR!!!!
I cried and cried with my friends standing around me, my heart was pounding and I could barely breathe. I was the owner of a brand new 2004 Hyundai Santa Fe, and I didn't have a damn car payment!
As long as I live, I will never forget that day. I drive that car around even now, a year later, and still can't believe I had the luck to win. The newspaper clippings hang on the fridge and I never let a day go by without thanking God for blessing us when we needed it!
I WON A CAR!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!
After picking a CD off a table, and having 129 people try ahead of me, I placed my chosen CD in the player and waited to hear if I was the winner. The same upbeat music that had played 129 times before played for me saying "101.7 The Beach's 101 Days of Summer contest" naming sponsors and the like. Then, the music was silent, and on the CD you heard the car trying to start...trying to start again...and then the engine revved!!!! I looked to my right and the DJ's eyes were as big as saucers as he said "YOU WON!!". No FREAKING WAY did I just win a CAR!!!! I cried and cried with my friends standing around me, my heart was pounding and I could barely breathe. I was the owner of a brand new 2004 Hyundai Santa Fe, and I didn't have a damn car payment!
As long as I live, I will never forget that day. I drive that car around even now, a year later, and still can't believe I had the luck to win. The newspaper clippings hang on the fridge and I never let a day go by without thanking God for blessing us when we needed it!
I WON A CAR!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!
Monday, September 05, 2005
Long weekend...
I finally forced myself away from the Katrina coverage and treated myself to trashy TV all weekend. I feel a little more human after watching "Dirty Dancing" and some MTV trash reality shows. Mindnumbing TV can have a positive effect when you're caught in a rut and don't want to think, or cry, anymore.
I dropped Patrick off at the airport a few hours ago and will be counting the days until I go back to get him. 5 to be exact. I said to him over and over again that this tour is going to ruin me because having him home every night is *not* what our life will be like for the rest of our career. I was proud that I didn't cry as he walked away, but I'm still lonely already. Thank God for the housework and gossip magazines that will occupy my time; however, Saturday can't get here soon enough.
Mom tells me that something is wrong with Sarah and she won't tell her what it is. She thinks that there may be a problem with Dorian again, but Sarah won't open up. I've tried to call her again today, but she didn't answer. I hope she'll talk to me about whatever it is that's going on with her. I worry about her all the time and hate that she's not more open with me, like we used to be. Hopefully, everything is alright.
The rest of my 3 day weekend (all 9 hours of it) will be spent cleaning and doing some much needed projects around here. The windows are open in the apartment to let the much needed nice breezes in. I can't wait for fall. :)
I dropped Patrick off at the airport a few hours ago and will be counting the days until I go back to get him. 5 to be exact. I said to him over and over again that this tour is going to ruin me because having him home every night is *not* what our life will be like for the rest of our career. I was proud that I didn't cry as he walked away, but I'm still lonely already. Thank God for the housework and gossip magazines that will occupy my time; however, Saturday can't get here soon enough.
Mom tells me that something is wrong with Sarah and she won't tell her what it is. She thinks that there may be a problem with Dorian again, but Sarah won't open up. I've tried to call her again today, but she didn't answer. I hope she'll talk to me about whatever it is that's going on with her. I worry about her all the time and hate that she's not more open with me, like we used to be. Hopefully, everything is alright.
The rest of my 3 day weekend (all 9 hours of it) will be spent cleaning and doing some much needed projects around here. The windows are open in the apartment to let the much needed nice breezes in. I can't wait for fall. :)
Friday, September 02, 2005
Devastation
In all my years of living on this earth I never thought I would see a worse tragedy than September 11, 2001 on our own soil. This last week has proved that theory wrong.
My emotions are running high and my sadness for this situation has weakened my faith in the human race. The men and women trying to control an out of control situation are the only ones I do put my faith in right now. God bless the Coast Guard, the National Guard, the medical workers, and the other branches of our military who are fighting to help our own citizens...including Patrick, who will be there when his school is over.
Heaven help those who turn to violence and destruction in a time despair and need, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Hurricane Katrina - August 29, 2005
My emotions are running high and my sadness for this situation has weakened my faith in the human race. The men and women trying to control an out of control situation are the only ones I do put my faith in right now. God bless the Coast Guard, the National Guard, the medical workers, and the other branches of our military who are fighting to help our own citizens...including Patrick, who will be there when his school is over.
Heaven help those who turn to violence and destruction in a time despair and need, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Hurricane Katrina - August 29, 2005
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